Roulette, poem by M.S. Lyle

You move around the house, a cord attached
to that spot on your back that no mat­ter how hard

you try to reach, you can­not reach. At the oth­er end,
the cham­ber. And you are so small; you heard the doctor

say you are 40lbs, so you’re almost sure that it’s not weight
that will trip the trig­ger. You fig­ured out that some things

come from deep inside of her and some things
don’t, so you might be one of the out­side things

that make her not work the right way, but maybe
you could be a thing that does. You like when she

is hum­ming at the kitchen win­dow, light through
the screen pat­tern­ing gold on her taupe hair,

so you run in the woods for lessons from birds
on how to sing and how to fly (just in case).

The clouds look like warn­ing signs; you think
she might be a witch, pow­er so dark and magical

it could change the sky. Then the cord tugs
and the cham­ber spins. You run in circles,

for­get­ting all the birds told you, flap­ping your lit­tle arms
in des­per­a­tion, as she casts anoth­er spell on the sun.

136M.S. Lyle grew up on farm­land in the Watchung moun­tains of north cen­tral War­ren, New Jer­sey, She now lives and writes from Atlanta, GA, where she's also known to orches­trate the ancient art of wine impor­ta­tion over the high seas. She grad­u­at­ed from Les­ley Uni­ver­si­ty with an MFA in Cre­ative Writ­ing and is cur­rent­ly pol­ish­ing her first poet­ry man­u­script, "Recla­ma­tion." Her next project includes col­lect­ed essays and pho­tographs that chase Steinbeck's ghost across America.

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Big Red Cap, fiction by James Leary

Not so long ago there lived a young man who suf­fered great­ly at the death of his father.  The young man, who became known as Red Cap for the old, dusty Marl­boro hat he always wore, was loved by all those who lived in Saltlick.  They found him a strong, lean young lad, will­ing to help out neigh­bors with the sim­plest request.  When any­one need­ed a hand, Red Cap was there to chop wood, repair bro­ken trail­er pins and hitch­es, rescreen doors and win­dows, and set or pull or house tobac­co.  The cap itself was a rem­nant from the life of his father.  Once when the young man was a young boy, he fell off the back of a tobac­co wag­on as it bounced up a grav­el path to the barn.  The boy cried and cried, even though he had only been scraped, until his father took the Marl­boro cap from his own head and gave it to his son.

One day the young man’s moth­er remind­ed him that the annu­al farm machin­ery show was going to be held in a near­by city.  She told him very clear­ly, “I need you to take your father’s trac­tor to the city and sell it so that we can keep food on our table for the year.  Be care­ful and don’t waste all the mon­ey while you’re in town.”  She also explained to him the dan­gers of the city, in par­tic­u­lar the fact that out-of-town­ers are preyed upon, for mon­ey or oth­er­wise, when they spend too much time there.  The young man had dreams of becom­ing a farmer him­self, so at first he was quite dis­ap­point­ed that his moth­er would ask him to sell the trac­tor.  But, he thought, his father’s small­er, red util­i­ty trac­tor, a tiny Inter­na­tion­al, would still do well on the farm, and the mon­ey from the sale of the big­ger trac­tor would help keep him and his moth­er fed while he prac­ticed what he’d learned about farm­ing from his father.

Red Cap’s father had nev­er asked him to attend the show.  His father often went, near­ly every fall, but Red Cap typ­i­cal­ly stayed home with his friends and got into mis­chief in Saltlick or played out in the field with the fam­i­ly dog.  Red Cap had been as far as Bur­ford, twen­ty miles away and pop­u­lat­ed with a sin­gle stop­light, but he had nev­er been far­ther.  The world beyond seemed mys­te­ri­ous and dan­ger­ous, even though he could read about most every­thing about it from the World Book.

Now,  to become the man of the house after his father had passed on, Red Cap need­ed to go out into the world and do as his moth­er asked.  Red Cap loaded the main trac­tor into a large box trail­er and head­ed out to the high­way and the city beyond.

Once Red Cap reached Louisville, he found it much more dis­ori­ent­ing than he expect­ed.  He saw a for­est of build­ings and light poles and signs cov­ered with adver­tise­ments.  He mar­veled as he fol­lowed the signs for the Annu­al Farm Machin­ery Show that led him through sweep­ing and sloped high­way inter­changes and along above-ground bridges that loomed over the cityscape.  Saltlick had none of these.  His home had more grass and trees and dung in an acre than he fig­ured could be found through­out the entire city.

The clos­er to the high­way exit he drew, the taller the build­ings grew.  Even­tu­al­ly he saw them so packed in that it made him think of neat rows of tow­er­ing tobac­co ready to har­vest.  This thought actu­al­ly com­fort­ed him.  It felt like some­thing famil­iar in a wilder­ness of dark, strange things.

Near the fair­grounds, Red Cap took an exit and pulled his truck and load into a grand park­ing lot.  In a sea of trucks and trail­ers and trac­tors, he put his palm up to shield his eyes and scanned across the lot.  He saw no clear signs to direct him and had no idea where to go next.  Did he check in some­where?  Did he wait for some­one to approach?

As he was pon­der­ing his next path, an attrac­tive young woman stepped out from behind a row of John Deere machines and hand­ed him a small fly­er.  He glanced briefly enough to only notice a young woman dressed in a bright red cloak on the flyer.

Hi, hon­ey,” the young woman said.  She held a stack of the small fly­ers, all the same.  She wore a fit­ted pair of den­im jeans, cow­boy boots, and a yel­low tank top.

Good evening,” said Red Cap.  He glanced away from her hands to her face and back quick­ly.  He felt a bit ashamed at talk­ing to her, though he wasn’t quite sure why.  “Do you work for the Machin­ery Show?” he muttered.

No,” she said.  “I work at JT’s, six blocks north on Crit­ten­don.” She point­ed at the fly­er in Red Cap’s hand, touch­ing her fin­ger to it and soft­ly brush­ing his thumb as she drew it back.  He noticed she had an invit­ing smile, under­stand­ing and allur­ing.  “You should come see me.”

Well, I’m talk­ing to you right now,” he said, proud at his cleverness.

You can see more of me there,” she hint­ed.  “Not too much more on account of the city lawyers and coun­cil and so forth but more than what you see here.”

Well, I’m not sure,” Red Cap stam­mered.  He looked her up and down again and real­ized he didn’t know many women like this from Saltlick.  She was fair­ly small­er than he was used to, and she looked at him dif­fer­ent­ly, like she was hun­gry and excit­ed that he was around.  Women, main­ly, and some girls from Saltlick usu­al­ly invit­ed him to din­ner or to stop by the house and talk lat­er.  None had ever hint­ed that he might see more of them or what that meant.  Red Cap wasn’t sure what JT’s was and why it was fur­ther into the city.  “I’m not from Louisville, so I don’t know the area much, and I’m here to sell this trac­tor any­way.”  He ges­tured at the trail­er behind him.

Hon­ey,” she began again, “it ain’t far, and sure­ly you’d rather look at some­thing oth­er than trac­tors all night.”  She reached for his hands and turned over the fly­er in it.  Point­ing at the back, she said, “Look there and you’ll see easy direc­tions to get down there.”  She hugged him, a lit­tle awk­ward­ly, and walked on down the lot.

With­in the hour, Red Cap sold the trac­tor, as it was a rare mod­el of that size.  The pay­ment, all cash, he tucked deep down in his boot-sock, safe and sound.  He con­sid­ered wan­der­ing around and look­ing at some of the oth­er equip­ment, but he felt tired and home­sick already.  He planned to leave quick­ly when he encoun­tered the young woman in the park­ing lot again.  He noticed this time, from behind, that she had longer hair than he expect­ed, most­ly brunette with some blond streaks through­out.  She waved at him as she posi­tioned the last of her fly­ers under the wiper on a near­by Ford pickup.

Are you com­ing to see me lat­er?” she asked.

Maybe,” he said, “are you done here?”

I’m done,” she said.  “Going to JT’s here in just a few.  I would offer you a ride, but we aren’t allowed.”

Ah, I’d have a hard time explain­ing that sto­ry at home any­way,” he said.  “Not many peo­ple like you where I’m from.”  She smiled.  “What is your name any­way?” he asked.  “So I know who to ask for at the place.”

I go by Can­dy,” she said.  “But I’m not always sweet to peo­ple.  I just like it when the farm­ers come to town.”

Why is that?”

Let’s just say they make it worth my while for the whole year,” she answered.  It was clear that she didn’t want to explain because she quick­ly asked again if Red Cap would be vis­it­ing her club.

I might,” he answered.  “I prob­a­bly could.”  This seemed affir­ma­tion enough, as she hopped excit­ed­ly and asked him when he might arrive.  He told her was going to head that way imme­di­ate­ly, but that he felt like he’d rather walk to get a bet­ter sense of what the city was like.  Yes, he planned to walk the six blocks, but he fig­ured that was pret­ty easy com­pared to get­ting cat­tle where you want­ed them to go all day and work­ing in corn or soy­beans or tobac­co.  With that, she jumped into her a small sedan and squealed off, fly­ers all gone, toward the down­town skyscrapers.

Red Cap’s walk was more amaz­ing than he ever expect­ed.  Though he had heard, read, or seen pic­tures of the many types of peo­ple in large cities, he had nev­er seen them up close.  The side­walks were full of mys­ter­ies.  A man push­ing a baby car­riage filled with soda cans, a woman with a white and tat­tered wig whis­per­ing to every­one who passed, a three-legged dog being led by a one-legged man on a motor­ized wheel­chair, dozens of shirt­less black boys walk­ing in small groups, a police offi­cer on a horse, and even three teenage girls zip­ping by on a sin­gle, tiny scoot­er.  It was a wilder­ness of unfa­mil­iar peo­ple and things.  Feel­ing dis­ori­ent­ed, Red Cap remem­bered the small fly­er in his pock­et and knew the direc­tions would lead him if nec­es­sary.  How­ev­er, he need­ed no such help.  Soon he saw for him­self the great, glow­ing sign mark­ing the entrance to JT’s.

He went in. It was dark­er than Red Cap expect­ed.  The lights gave only a mut­ed, bluish glow.  A young, night­ie-clad woman quick­ly approached him.

Hi, hon­ey, you want to get a drink?” she asked.

I’m look­ing for some­one,” Red Cap answered.

Well, sweet­ie, you’re in the right place.  There are lots of some­ones here.”  And she was right.  Red Cap looked past her and saw dozens of men and a few women grip­ping bills tight­ly and find­ing curi­ous ways to give them to women who were danc­ing on the stages.  He remem­bered the mon­ey from the trac­tor sale and felt the fold­ed pile deep in his boot and damp with sweat against his ankle.

I’m look­ing for Can­dy,” Red Cap replied.

She’s over by the bar,” the woman said.  She turned to leave, and Red Cap real­ized that she was wear­ing a small rab­bit tail.

Puz­zling over this, Red Cap made his way to the bar where he had been sent.  Can­dy was there, sure enough.  She spoke with anoth­er man beside her.  She had her back to Red Cap, and he noticed that she, along with a rather reveal­ing gray out­fit, sport­ed a tail of some sort.  It looked wolfish.

As he looked around the estab­lish­ment, Red Cap slow­ly under­stood the rea­son for the tails.  The club was themed, to a degree, around hunt­ing.  The walls were the dark cedar of a men’s lodge.  The upper areas were adorned with the tro­phy heads of hunt­ed beasts.  The ceil­ing dis­played fake green­ery, made up to look like the over­hang of a canopy of trees.  For Red Cap, who had only read and heard about places of this cal­iber, the scene was jar­ring.  Yet he could quick­ly see how the atmos­phere excit­ed and invig­o­rat­ed the men, who then freely gave their mon­ey.  In turn, the women, who freely accept­ed bills tucked into inti­mate places, includ­ing just beneath their tails, were invig­o­rat­ed by the exchange of money.

What struck Red Cap sud­den­ly is that his father nev­er men­tioned such places.  Sure­ly such knowl­edge would have helped Red Cap in the long run, as so many of the farm­ers he rec­og­nized from the show had end­ed up here.

Unsure of how to act in such a strange space, Red Cap sat at the bar and ner­vous­ly ordered a glass of water from a young female bar­tender who wore a brown biki­ni with what looked like a rac­coon tail attached.  A song with a con­sis­tent beat played in the back­ground, mak­ing Red Cap think of the put-put-put of the corn­meal grinder at the coun­ty fair near Saltlick.  Soon, Can­dy left the bar with the oth­er man and dis­ap­peared into anoth­er part of the club.  She left through a door­way framed by a skinned and stuffed water moc­casin, and Red Cap turned back to his glass, which was now becom­ing slick with condensation.

While she was gone, sev­er­al oth­er women approached Red Cap and asked him for a drink, to drink with them, or to come some­where and sit with them.  Each time he refused and repeat­ed that he was there to speak to Can­dy and that he would wait right there for her.  Each woman, after he refused, slinked out into the open space of the room and weaved through and around and against all the oth­er farm­ers wear­ing var­i­ous caps of dozens of col­ors, and many, Red Cap saw, sat down beside some of the men or sat in their laps, gig­gling into their ears.

Before long though, Can­dy returned from her door­way, now alone.  She wore a dif­fer­ent out­fit, even more reveal­ing than the tight gray shirt and bot­tom she wore before.   This time it was a pink biki­ni with small red cher­ries all over.  The tail was nowhere to be seen now.  She grabbed him by the hand with­out a word and led him from the bar into a small room.

Red Cap felt dis­ori­ent­ed by the room, as it had mir­rors all along the walls and a long dark leather couch along a whole side.  Can­dy sat him down and asked him how he was doing.

Good,” Red Cap said, “though I’ve nev­er real­ly been in a place like this.”

Are you hav­ing a good time?” she asked.  She began remov­ing her top.

I think,” Red Cap answered.  Her top fell to the floor.  He felt frozen, unsure of what to do next.  Should he leave?  Should he ask her about some­thing, her­self?  “Did you go to the machin­ery show today, or were you just out­side?” he final­ly asked.

I nev­er go in,” she said.  “I go down there to pass out fly­ers for this place.”

Well, it sure was nice to meet you down there today.  This is the first time I’ve ever even been to the machin­ery show.”

Oh,” she said.  She glid­ed toward him and strad­dled his lap.  “I hope you’re enjoy­ing yourself.”

Do you not remem­ber me from this after­noon?” Red Cap asked.

Of course, hon­ey,” she said.

You were wear­ing jeans and tank top,” he said.  “You changed when you got to work?”

Yes,” she answered.  “I can’t get very com­fort­able in here wear­ing that stuff.”

Why is every­one wear­ing tails?” Red Cap won­dered aloud.

It is part of the way we work here, club’s rules,” she cooed, “part of our theme here at the club.”

Why is that?”

Well, the bet­ter to enter­tain you with,” she gig­gled.  She began to rub her hips hard against him.  Red Cap sensed him­self grow­ing uncom­fort­able.  Candy’s hip and the undu­la­tions of her body matched the pace of the song.  Red Cap tried to think of the corn­meal grinder, but it was no use.  When she removed her bot­toms, he was sur­prised and con­fused to notice the tail still attached to her.  He thought that sure­ly it was glued on, wasn’t it?  His heart beat faster, and he felt both excit­ed and wor­ried.  To his relief, or per­haps lack there­of, the song end­ed and Can­dy moved off of him and sat beside him on the couch.

That’s twen­ty,” she said.

Twen­ty what?” Red Cap asked.

Twen­ty dol­lars.  That’s one dance.  Lat­er there’ll be a two-for-one spe­cial and I can come back if you like,” she said smil­ing.  Her teeth, a bright white, unnerved Red Cap a bit.

What makes you think I have mon­ey,” he said.

All the farm­ers have mon­ey when they come here.  If you didn’t want to spend, why did you even come in here?  At least you’re get­ting some­thing good for it!” Can­dy retorted.

Red Cap, now real­iz­ing how peo­ple behaved here, final­ly began to under­stand.  He won­dered if his father had come here.  He thought about his father’s excite­ment every year before the show, and he con­sid­ered that it might not just have been for farm machin­ery.  “I have to go out­side,” he said quickly.

The twen­ty first,” Can­dy demand­ed.  Red Cap thought of the fights his moth­er and father often had over mon­ey.  He furi­ous­ly stuck his hand in his boot and sock and wrig­gled out a bill. That his father’s lega­cy to the fam­i­ly was a col­lec­tion of well-worn land and machin­ery seemed bit­ter­ly cru­el. He shoved the wadded mon­ey into her palm.  Red Cap would have pur­chased feed or fer­til­iz­er with it; frus­tra­tion made him want the mon­ey back, but Can­dy had already slipped away, behind some secret cur­tains.  He stum­bled out into the main room, still a bit dis­ori­ent­ed.  He saw the dozens of men in the club laugh­ing and cack­ling and eager­ly wav­ing mon­ey in the air.  Some drew out sin­gle bills from a large wad of cash, much like his own, and tucked one after anoth­er into biki­ni strings, bra straps, garters, and under­neath the rab­bit, rac­coon, beaver, and wolf tails.  Red Cap felt ashamed, as if every­one could see that he felt strange and weird and out-of-place, but at the same time he knew that all the men were clear­ly focused else­where.  He real­ized, though, that he could escape while the oth­ers could not.

Anoth­er woman with a fake nose sport­ing whiskers approached him and inquired if he’d like to sit down for anoth­er drink.  “May I go to the bath­room first?” he asked.

Of course dar­lin’.  You go and I’ll be right here when you get back,” the woman responded.

Red Cap sped towards the bath­room, beyond it, and out the door into the street.  For a moment, pan­ic struck him as he con­sid­ered the pos­si­bil­i­ty that oth­ers in the club had seen him with­draw mon­ey from his hid­ing spot.  The mon­ey was vital to keep him and his moth­er in good shape while he became a true farmer.  Find­ing him­self out in the street, in the dark, Red Cap swift­ly walked back the six blocks, try­ing to avoid mak­ing eye con­tact with any­one or any­thing.  Before long, he found his truck, locked him­self inside, and took a deep breath that brought in the smells of the dirty truck floor, speck­led with earth and mud from his home in Saltlick.  He felt great relief.

So Red Cap left JT’s and Louisville and head­ed home to Saltlick and his moth­er and the still raw absence of his father.  Red Cap knew, though, that he was not his father, and the jour­ney to Louisville con­vinced him of such.  How­ev­er, he did so with a boot sock still strapped with cash, a small lega­cy from his father that would serve as rich­es enough while Red Cap made his own way in the world as a farmer and son.

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James Leary is cur­rent­ly teach­ing at Duquesne Uni­ver­si­ty and Robert Mor­ris Uni­ver­si­ty in Pitts­burgh, Penn­syl­va­nia. He is a recent trans­plant from Louisville, Ken­tucky where he recent­ly com­plet­ed his doc­tor­ate in Human­i­ties at the Uni­ver­si­ty of Louisville. His work has appeared in :lex­i­con, Eagle’s Flight, The Chaf­fin Jour­nal, Auro­ra, Grab-a-Nick­el, and Here and There. His lit­er­ary inter­ests and influ­ences include south­ern and Appalachi­an fic­tion, fairy tales, and mag­ic realism.

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Frogball, poem by CL Bledsoe

We couldn’t afford bats so we scavenged,
bro­ken lengths of PVC pipes, crooked

sticks, hands, if that’s all we had. Likewise,

instead of base­balls we used pinecones, dried
cow pies, rocks. One kid start­ed catching

frogs and smack­ing them into trees. We envied
his easy swing in duct-taped shoes, home-

cut hair, and worn-out clothes. None of us
were frogs so we didn’t protest too much

oth­er than to let him always take bat when
he caught one. We hard­ly went to his house,

any­way, with its col­laps­ing roof, gun-collecting,
drug-addled mom’s boyfriend. At least

he wasn’t bury­ing cats and mow­ing their heads
off, did­dling his sis­ter, or telling us we’d, all of us,

nev­er escape the burn­ing lake we were born for.

clbledsoe200x288CL Bled­soe is the author of five nov­els includ­ing the young adult nov­el Sun­light, the nov­els Last Stand in Zom­bi­etown and $7.50/hr + Curs­es; four poet­ry col­lec­tions: Rice­land, _____(Want/Need), Anthem, and Leap Year; and a short sto­ry col­lec­tion called Nam­ing the Ani­mals. A poet­ry chap­book, Good­bye to Noise, is avail­able online at www​.righthand​point​ing​.com/​b​l​e​d​soe. Anoth­er, The Man Who Killed Him­self in My Bath­room, is avail­able at http://​ten​page​spress​.word​press​.com/​2​0​1​1​/​0​8​/​0​1​/​t​h​e​-​m​a​n​-​w​h​o​-​k​i​l​l​e​d​-​h​i​m​s​e​l​f​-​i​n​-​m​y​-​b​a​t​h​r​o​o​m​-​b​y​-​c​l​-​b​l​e​d​s​oe/. He’s been nom­i­nat­ed for the Push­cart Prize 10 times, had 2 sto­ries select­ed as Notable Sto­ries by Sto­ry South's Mil­lion Writ­ers Award and 2 oth­ers nom­i­nat­ed, and has been nom­i­nat­ed for Best of the Net twice. He’s also had a flash sto­ry select­ed for the long list of Wigleaf’s 50 Best Flash Sto­ries award. He blogs at Mur­der Your Dar­lings, http://​clbled​soe​.blogspot​.com. Bled­soe reviews reg­u­lar­ly for Rain Taxi, Coal Hill Review, Prick of the Spin­dle, Mon­key Bicy­cle, Book Slut, The Hollins Crit­ic, The Arkansas Review, Amer­i­can Book Review, The Pedestal Mag­a­zine, and elsewhere.

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not getting served at the subway inn, poetry by John Grochalski

not get­ting served at the sub­way inn

ten min­utes before this
we were still in the hos­pi­tal room
watch­ing my moth­er-in-law wrestle
with a peanut but­ter and jel­ly sandwich
just some­thing, the nurse told her
to get in her stom­ach to take away the nau­sea from chemo
we were dressed like haz­mat techs
in gloves and smocks and some­thing to cov­er our mouths
the steel­ers were los­ing to the jets
two min­utes left in the game and my wife shut the tv off
so her moth­er could get some sleep
but that was all right
the foot­ball gods will always live to see anoth­er day
and besides i stopped watch­ing the NFL almost two years ago
i have ceased tying my fate to that of any sports team
only here in the sub­way inn they have tele­vi­sions all over
play­ing games in between commercials
for SUVS, lux­u­ry cars or join­ing the marines
the few peo­ple in here are shouting
some drunk chick keeps screaming
pass-interference!
pass-interference!
but i don’t know at which screen
and though it may seem sexist
i’ve always held a spe­cial hatred for the female foot­ball fan
my wife and i aren’t get­ting served in the place
we prob­a­bly need a drink
more than any two peo­ple in man­hat­tan this sun­day afternoon
only the bar­tender is gone
or he’s one of the peo­ple sit­ting at the bar
watch­ing foot­ball and wait­ing us out
most like­ly he’s chang­ing a keg or tak­ing a shit
the bar has signs hanging
ask­ing peo­ple to help save it from
twirling mous­tache landlords
and the inevitable new york city rent hike
you can tweet or twit or join face­book to spread the word
at the end there’s a ban­ner pro­claim­ing the bar saved
the same leg­endary sub­way inn
only now it’s mov­ing four avenues away
where the rent hikes will take anoth­er ten years
to make their way east
and they’ll have to do this shit all over again
i con­sid­er the sub­way inn and its change in venue
how it real­ly won’t be the same
no mat­ter what these peo­ple fool them­selves into believing
we change and morph and nev­er real­ize it
because we’re too hung up just try­ing to live
like my moth­er-in-law in her hos­pi­tal bed
telling us that she sud­den­ly feels like an old person
or how i’m forty and now often times
i’m one of the old­er guys in the bar
won­der­ing where in the hell my drink is
or where the tired­ness and all this gray hair came from

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John Grochal­s­ki is the author of The Noose Doesn’t Get Any Loos­er After You Punch Out (Six Gallery Press 2008), Glass City (Low Ghost Press, 2010), In The Year of Every­thing Dying (Camel Saloon, 2012), Start­ing with the Last Name Grochal­s­ki (Coleridge Street Books, 2014), and the nov­el, The Librar­i­an (Six Gallery Press 2013). Grochal­s­ki cur­rent­ly lives in Brook­lyn, New York, where he con­stant­ly wor­ries about the high cost of everything.

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Hyperhidrosis, fiction by Cassie Adams

The day I found out that grand­ma Dol­ly was a pros­ti­tute, I real­ized that I’d nev­er giv­en much thought to the sex indus­try. But now that I was think­ing about it, it was every­where, from the obvi­ous stuff (pros­ti­tu­tion, strip clubs, porn, back alley blowjobs, and so on), to the mar­gin­al­ly less obvi­ous stuff (most of the film and tele­vi­sion indus­tries, near­ly all of adver­tis­ing, every­thing in women’s mag­a­zines, a good por­tion of the stuff in men’s magazine’s, Tiny Tots in Tiaras (oth­er­wise known as The Apoc­a­lypse is Upon Us: a real­i­ty TV show for those who hate them­selves, and those who should).

Lis­ten, I’m not a ter­ri­ble look­ing per­son. There are those who refer to me as ‘cute.’ Some­times even ‘adorable” or ‘attrac­tive’ or maybe even ‘beau­ti­ful’ (though this is usu­al­ly by men whose eyes say “I’m imag­in­ing bend­ing you over the near­est hip-heighth object rather than focus­ing on the con­ver­sa­tion in which this com­pli­ment is sup­pos­ed­ly tak­ing place” (you’d be amazed how spe­cif­ic (and often explic­it) some peo­ple can get with their eyes)).

Any­way so my point is that I – look – I real­ly don’t want peo­ple to be attract­ed to me. It’s weird, you know, I want to be attrac­tive… but I don’t want peo­ple to react to it. When I said as much, GJ (a.k.a. Gina John­son LCSW, my ther­a­pist) raised her left eye­brow unpro­fes­sion­al­ly high, if you ask me.

Right, but my point is that it’s… I can’t real­ly avoid being on the receiv­ing end of an assort­ment perks from oth­er people’s sex­u­al fan­tasies about me. And I know you think that sounds vain, but it’s just the real­i­ty I live in – it would be dif­fi­cult not to notice it hap­pen­ing. Late to work? It’s fine, you look like you got some much-need­ed rest (read: I’m just glad you final­ly did your laun­dry and start­ed wear­ing a prop­er bra again, because those 32 triple D’s real­ly weren’t han­dling the two-week-sports-bra thing you had going too well). Any­way I can’t pre­vent it, is my point. I gen­uine­ly fight against it, I do – but I can’t do any­thing about it, most of the time. So why not cap­i­tal­ize on it? Wouldn’t it be eas­i­er just to bring the trans­ac­tion to the surface?

A week after find­ing out about the whole pros­ti­tute thing, I co-host­ed a par­ty with my sister’s new boyfriend Dane. You know, for like, group cohe­sion and cama­raderie and so forth. It was a pret­ty dis­mal affair, in the end, because Dane had over­es­ti­mat­ed the num­ber of roman­to­sex­u­al­ly avail­able female friends I had, which had, as it turned out, been kind of the point of ask­ing me to cohost to begin with (some­thing I’d nor­mal­ly pick up on long before the actu­al event). Any­way the only per­son who actu­al­ly got laid that night was a frat boy also invit­ed by me, who took advan­tage of my clin­i­cal­ly lone­ly (as well as unbe­liev­ably out-of-her-mind-drunk) best friend from grade school. Any­way, at one point I end­ed up at a dif­fer­ent house in a room with 8 col­lege boys between the ages of eigh­teen and nine­teen (by this time I was already twen­ty-one, which you would think wouldn’t make a big dif­fer­ence, but I’m telling you – it does), and a bong (nat­u­ral­ly).

Now, there were a vari­ety of prob­lems, from my per­spec­tive, with this sit­u­a­tion. The first was that I was the only female in a room filled with a brood of males who were (a) horny, (b) unat­trac­tive, © lack­ing in the self-aware­ness to know how unat­trac­tive they were, and (d) ver­bal­ly and eth­i­cal­ly under­de­vel­oped, mean­ing that they were nei­ther (d.1) polite enough to care whether I was aware that they were all simul­ta­ne­ous­ly focused to an inap­pro­pri­ate extent on my appar­ent repro­duc­tive health, nor (d.2) capa­ble of main­tain­ing a con­ver­sa­tion which did not make it painful­ly obvi­ous that I (as an off­shoot of my appar­ent repro­duc­tive health) was the cen­ter of atten­tion in the room.

So, here’s what hap­pened. I want­ed to get stoned, so I couldn’t leave. The room’s air con­di­tion­ing was bro­ken, though, so I began to sweat. A lot. This wasn’t ter­ri­bly unusu­al, since I’d suf­fered from a pret­ty con­spic­u­ous case of hyper­hidro­sis since an eighth grade dance par­ty dur­ing which I tried to hide my sweat stains by danc­ing with my arms pinned to my sides, and all the boys in the class start­ed doing “the pen­guin” in imi­ta­tion, result­ing (obvi­ous­ly) in endur­ing psy­cho­so­mat­ic dam­age. This, it would seem, pro­duced some sort of pheromone which just made things worse – although it could also have had some­thing to do with the fact that I’d fore­gone under­wear that day. And also pissed my pants just the tini­est bit ear­li­er in the evening as a result of being too ner­vous about nav­i­gat­ing the crowd­ed hall­way to face the restroom in time.

Right. So we passed the bong around our enor­mous, ridicu­lous, cir­cle, and they all watched me when it was my turn because who isn’t turned on by watch­ing some­one anti-fel­late a porce­lain object? And ye who are with­out sin, and all that jazz.

Okay but so then I had like a tiny self-con­tained pan­ic attack, which they all noticed, of course, because they were notic­ing every sin­gle fuck­ing thing that I did. And so then, because I’m stoned now and I’d start­ing read­ing An Invi­ta­tion to Soci­ol­o­gy that week (you know, to try and under­stand why most social sit­u­a­tions made almost zero sense, and what­not), I tried to explain some­thing about how I’m not talk­ing because I’m dis­tract­ed with think­ing about how group dynam­ics work, or some shit, I don’t even know what I said, and they all nod­ded like it made sense which made my heart sink all the way down to my ever-so-cap­ti­vat­ing genitals.

The guy sit­ting next to me was actu­al­ly a real­ly nice guy who I’d hung out with before in less hor­ri­fy­ing set­tings – the sort of per­son who goes out of his way to com­pli­ment a stranger’s shoes. His name was Daman, and he was orig­i­nal­ly from India. I’d been hold­ing out hope that he would be my con­ver­sa­tion­al escape, but when the group non­con­ver­sa­tion inevitably died, Daman turned to me and told me that he knows how to read palms, and I said what does that mean, because I’m think­ing of the palms they burn on ash Wednes­day. And he took my hand, and said he want­ed to read it – and of course I didn’t want him (or any­one) to touch the pooled sweat on my stu­pid hand, but now he already had so I don’t real­ly have a rea­son to say no, so I let him continue.

Then, slow­ly, – ten­der­ly – he wiped the sweat from my palm.

Let me say that again: He wiped. The sweat. From my palm.

I was exact­ly as unnerved as I would’ve been had some­one offered to q‑tip my ear wax out for me, and then actu­al­ly did it. But so he went on pre­tend­ing to read my hand for a while in the key of gib­ber­ish. I looked at the oth­er boys in the room (some of whom had left the sad show at this point), try­ing to find Dane, who looked com­fort­ably uncomfortable.

Does this even make sense? Is he even say­ing things?”

Dane just shook his head with a lit­tle frown of some­thing like embarrassment.

Then Daman looked at me again (if he’d even stopped) and he said,

No, I’m telling you the truth, you’re going to choose a path and it will fol­low the line from your thumb to your…”

I pulled my hand away. And he sat up so straight, like his spine was a string hang­ing per­pen­dic­u­lar to the ground from a point high above the earth. He put his hands on his knees so calm­ly, and looked me in the eye – bored into them — and he said,

Sta­cy, you don’t have to be in so much pain. You’re beau­ti­ful. Do you understand?”

I looked at the floor, feel­ing simul­ta­ne­ous­ly moved and vio­lat­ed. His words were touch­ing – but they were the kind of touch you want, in a vague sense, but with­out want­i­ng to be touched that way like this.  Like when my sixth grade math teacher gave me a shoul­der rub while I was vis­i­bly strug­gling with mul­ti­pli­ca­tion tables.

He was right, though. I was in pain. But I couldn’t just choose not to be because he point­ed it out. I mean, I sort of under­stood: yes, I was drip­ping from most of my ori­fices, and yes, I was a lit­tle self-con­scious about it. But he was mis­at­tribut­ing, as far as I could tell, my intense anx­i­ety to that fac­tor alone, when in fact the mat­ter was grotesque­ly com­pli­cat­ed, and my anx­i­ety wasn’t just a scar or a bur­den, it was the glue that kept the puz­zle that was “Sta­cy Brooke Wade” together.

He kept look­ing at me with those pry­ing eyes, and final­ly he said,

You’re beau­ti­ful and any man would be hap­py to have you – you don’t have to be so shy, why do you lock your­self up like this? Let your­self be free. Let your­self – you could have so much fun – you could, Sta­cy you could give… you could make mon­ey by giv­ing…” his hand formed a cir­cle around the air and bobbed up and down, up and down, up and down…

Daman,” Dane final­ly cuts in, the words fum­bling in his mouth like bite-sized hot-pota­toes, “you’re stoned. Daman, you need to stop. Leave poor Sta­cy alone. She doesn’t want you to read her palm, look at her, she’s scared!”

But that’s what I’m say­ing, is that she doesn’t have to be scared! Why should she be afraid when she’s beau­ti­ful, why should she not come to par­ties and have friends and do oth­er things that she would enjoy, and she could…”

Okay, okay Daman, you have to stop, don’t say that again – things are dif­fer­ent in India, do you under­stand? You don’t say things like that here. I don’t know what it’s like there, but you don’t say things like that here. Women don’t do that here. I mean they do, but it’s only some of them and you know who those ones are, but peo­ple like Sta­cy don’t just do that here.”

And then it dawned on me.

Did he just sug­gest that I should give hand­jobs for mon­ey? Is that what hap­pened?” I asked, and Dane’s face fell vis­i­bly by a quar­ter of an inch.

Um, I – Daman’s a real­ly good guy, I’m sor­ry Sta­cy, but I think that things are just a lit­tle dif­fer­ent in India, he doesn’t mean it that way, you just have to be more… you have to learn how to…”

Daman turned to me again, say­ing, “you could do it, Sta­cy, you could… I would… a lot of peo­ple would…”

And that’s what it came down to. A lot of peo­ple would pay for a hand­job from me. A lot of peo­ple would pay for a hand­job from any­one, but they would also pay for one from me. And my favorite grand­ma had done it. She’d been more of a cour­te­san, I imag­ined, but the idea was there: why not make sex your job? God knows it’s a skill that can be honed or buried. I’ve run the gamut, and if there’s one thing I know for sure it’s that some dudes will wig­gle on top of you for a few min­utes and then come, and some will lick your ass­hole and find the spot and the angle and ride it so hard you for­get who they are, and if you’re real­ly lucky, you for­get who you are, too.

But that’s not the point. The point is that I fall in love with strangers every god­dam day. I’ve made out with, and made love to, a hand­ful of peo­ple who prob­a­bly didn’t deserve it. I have the abil­i­ty to see the good in peo­ple and to want the best for them, and to give freely of myself to peo­ple just because I believe they need to feel a con­nec­tion with some­one. Doesn’t every­one? And what’s so wrong about giv­ing phys­i­cal accep­tance to peo­ple who need it for mon­ey? What’s so wrong about giv­ing in to all this pres­sure from every side to be appeal­ing, to be polite, to be nice and gen­er­ous and evenhanded…

At least then I could talk about it. At least then I could just tell peo­ple the price and take it or leave it. At least then I could tell peo­ple whether or not they meet the stan­dards for an accept­able can­di­date for admis­sion into my clien­tele. I guess I just start­ed think­ing, you know, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. But then I thought about Daman. Would I do it for him? Would I give him a hand­job for mon­ey? How much was a hand­job worth to me? It’s not like they’re pleas­ant, but they’re also min­i­mal­ly effort­ful, gen­er­al­ly. And it could all be pret­ty imper­son­al, real­ly. But would there be kiss­ing? Prob­a­bly. And how do you approach some­thing like that with the guy who just told you to sell hand­jobs because your hands are nat­u­ral­ly lubri­cat­ed with sweat?

I don’t know. I didn’t know. But I thought about it in my own lit­tle world for quite a while as the rest of them argued Daman down and awk­ward­ly dis­cussed what should hap­pen next. Even­tu­al­ly, I decid­ed to table the ques­tion and get the hell out of there. But, of course, I didn’t get the hell out of there before a slew of exit­ing-rit­u­als were car­ried out with a slew of peo­ple I real­ly didn’t feel all that com­fort­able per­form­ing exit­ing-rit­u­als with. But at least those lit­tle con­ces­sions to what’s polite and appro­pri­ate were rel­a­tive­ly pain­less. And at least this time I didn’t piss myself before I’d troughed through the oblig­a­tory social bar­ri­ers between myself and my destination.

cassieadamsCassie Adams is a recent grad­u­ate in psy­chol­o­gy and phi­los­o­phy at the Uni­ver­si­ty of Utah. In her free time, Cassie enjoys get­ting some fresh air in South­ern Utah, and her inter­ests include cof­fee, sweaters, and bub­ble wrap.

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Ry Cooder's musical journey has taken him India, Africa and, finally, Appalachia

skaggswhitecooder

by Wayne Bledsoe

Just lis­ten­ing to Ry Cooder's cat­a­log is like tak­ing a col­lege course in music, but a lot more fun. His albums have cel­e­brat­ed blues, folk, calyp­so, ear­ly jazz, rhythm and blues, rock 'n' roll, gospel and the music of the South­west, Hawaii, Cuba and Africa. He's helped the world know about the glo­ries of Hawai­ian mas­ter Gab­by Pahinui, Tex-Mex accor­dion great Fla­co Jimenez, Malian gui­tar vir­tu­oso Ali Far­ka Toure, Indi­an musi­cian Vish­wa Mohan Bhatt and Cuban all-star group col­lec­tive­ly known as the Bue­na Vista Social Club. In addi­tion, he's per­formed on albums by The Rolling Stones, Neil Young, Arlo Guthrie, Randy New­man, Judy Collins, The Mon­kees, Van Mor­ri­son, Eric Clap­ton, Cap­tain Beef­heart, John Hiatt, Bill Frisell, Taj Mahal, War­ren Zevon and many others.

It's sur­pris­ing, though, to hear that one of Cooder's first musi­cal loves is blue­grass and he's now on a tour in a col­lab­o­ra­tion with musi­cal cou­ple and blue­grass greats Ricky Skag­gs and Sharon White.

More.

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Buried Treasure, by Benjamin Drevlow

How you’d even react, young buck, if you knew how I ogled, like some long lost uncle, that sliv­er of pale flesh run­ning under the sil­ver cru­ci­fix your girl said she’d nev­er take off, how hard you’ve tried to anoint that sacred inter­sec­tion of her chest you nuz­zle in the morn­ing show­er, of course, only when you’re sport­ing good enough wood and not too hun­gover. Still, my eyes can’t help but con­nect the dots of all those freck­les from too many lazy days like these under the August sun, the two of you laid out across duel­ing beach tow­els like a Cialis com­mer­cial, me plod­ding by with my surf socks and met­al detec­tor, this flop­py hat and Hawai­ian shirt, all that SPF 100 caked up and down my pasty ankles and knees, nose and cheeks, these big gold­en Way­far­ers con­ceal­ing our fleet­ing tryst, me and your girl’s tits.

drevlowBen­jamin Drevlow was the win­ner of the 2006 Many Voic­es Project and the author of a col­lec­tion of short sto­ries, Bend With the Knees and Oth­er Love Advice From My Father (New Rivers Press, 2008). His fic­tion has also appeared in Pas­sages North, Split Lip, and is forth-com­ing at Fic­tion South­east. He is the fic­tion edi­tor at BULL: Men’s Fic­tion, teach­es writ­ing at Geor­gia South­ern Uni­ver­si­ty, and lives both in Geor­gia and online at <www​.the​drevlow​-olson​show​.com>.

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Burying the Johnboat, fiction by Sam Slaughter

Mary stood on her porch with a shov­el rest­ing on her shoul­der. In her oth­er hand, a tall­boy of Miller High Life began to sweat in the sum­mer heat. The sun was up and she’d over­slept, the hang­over punch to the head too much to deal with at sev­en a.m. when she should’ve got­ten up to send Mil­ton off to day camp. He got up, though, and went. Mil­ton knew not to both­er his moth­er some morn­ings. He’d eat two cold Pop Tarts and walk the mile to the bus stop where the YMCA bus would pick him up.

The night before, Mary had moved the trail­er hold­ing the john­boat into the yard. It sat there now on the crest of the hill behind their trail­er. The dull green hull sucked in the sun­light like a hun­gry kid. She’d come up with the idea one of the many nights at the bar, suck­ing down two-for-one vod­ka ton­ics while what amount­ed to the town’s eli­gi­ble bach­e­lors took turns slid­ing their rough hands up her thighs. Mil­ton was at home, asleep. He slept hard and long, always had, and she nev­er wor­ried. He had a peashoot­er to use if it came to that. But who’d want to break in, any­way? What were they going to steal from her? Her ex-hus­bands col­lec­tion of Atlanta Braves trad­ing cards? Go for it, just don’t touch the booze or her child.

Some­where between her third and fourth of the night, she real­ized she should do some­thing spe­cial for Mil­ton. His birth­day was com­ing up and she hadn’t planned any­thing yet. He hadn’t said a word, but he nev­er did, so it’d be up to her to fig­ure it out. Mil­ton had loved the boat—he always loved going out on it with his father—so Mary decid­ed she should do some­thing with it. She’d build him his very own play place. Like at the McDonald’s out on the high­way, but with­out the oth­er snot­ty kids that made fun of his Good­will clothes.

The boat had been her ex-husband’s pride and joy. When he left, though, he’d left in the night and with lit­tle more than his .22 and some clothes. He’d tak­en the bot­tle of John­nie Green Label, too. Mary had known that when the time came she wasn’t going to be lucky enough to keep that. No one had want­ed to buy the boat—a hole had rust­ed through near the bow—and so it sat next to the trail­er for months. She’d sold the engine for parts. Mil­ton climbed on it when he played and Mary always wor­ried he’d catch a foot on some­thing and cut him­self wide open.

The dirt gave way eas­i­ly and Mary found a rhythm almost as soon as she start­ed. Push, pull, toss. Push, pull, toss, sip. Push, pull, toss. As she sipped, she watched clods roll down the hill.  Mary hadn’t thought about how deep to set the boat. She stared at the hull and imag­ined it mov­ing, slid­ing out of the space in a rain, Mil­ton on board and crushed when it hit the bot­tom of the hill. She couldn’t have that. Mary real­ized too that the deep­er she dug, the less of the boat she’d have to see. She imag­ined that, with every inch she obscured by dirt, one more mem­o­ry would be for­ev­er covered.

She wouldn’t have to think about the first time they’d had sex in that boat or the first time they’d gone noodling togeth­er or how he had pro­posed in the mid­dle of a lake in that boat. She’d been so tak­en then, but now couldn’t help but see how stu­pid the pro­pos­al was. How could she say no? They were in the mid­dle of the lake, there was no one else around, nowhere to go, noth­ing to dis­tract from the sit­u­a­tion should she have declined. Mary fin­ished the beer in her hand, crushed the can, and tossed it into the boat. She’d get it later.

Mary worked steadi­ly, paus­ing often enough to sip that the six-pack she’d bought was gone before too long. She’d swing by the gas sta­tion before she picked Mil­ton up for some more. That’d be the first sur­prise for him, she’d be there to get him. He wouldn’t be expect­ing that, that was for damn sure. He nev­er said any­thing about it, but Mary knew he had thoughts about her involve­ment in his life. She didn’t take him to things like his father had done. Even at eight, she knew he had those thoughts. Prob­a­bly the same ones his father had had.

After a few hours—Mary had moved onto what was left of a bot­tle of Aris­to­crat vodka—she’d shaved a shal­low grave out of the earth. All she need­ed to do was get the boat off the trail­er and she’d be done. Then she could go grab a beer at the bar before Mil­ton got to the bus. That beer was impor­tant. She didn’t want to lose her buzz, she’d worked to hard for it.

The boat was eas­i­er to move than she thought. It land­ed in the hole with a crack and a thump and Mary adjust­ed its posi­tion with a series of kicks. Good. It was in a good space. She stepped inside and jumped up and down, slam­ming her feet into the floor to help it set­tle. Each jump sent a vibra­tion through her boots and up into her body. She found her vision slow­ing, her eyes not keep­ing up with the move­ment of her body. It felt good. Damn good. Mary jumped again, push­ing down as she land­ed. She was going to pound it into the ground. She jumped again. It would not come up. Again. She would not have to see it from her porch. She jumped again and again and again as the sun began to fall behind the tree line.

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Matt, poem by John Dorsey

played the piano
read bukows­ki to prostitutes
while sip­ping steel reserve
and chew­ing on pain pills
as if he was doing com­mu­ni­ty outreach

at night he would talk about jazz,
art his­to­ry and how he once
had sex with his sister
to make his hands stop shaking
as his demons sang in the alley
just below
his heart.

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Joplin, poem by Michael Thompson

Once the war ended,
there wasn’t any­thing else to do
except play the horses
and hoist a few pints
at Tin­horn Flats
where the sticky surface
of no-pest strips
hang­ing behind the bar
are caked with flies

Wait­ing on long shot lives
to come in,
those who take themselves
far too seriously
rarely reap rewards
and tena­cious is their resolve
to nev­er stray far
from embed­ded roots

When fac­to­ries pack up
for alter­na­tive lodging
just like a cir­cus tent,
the sales of cigarettes
and grain alco­hol increase
while mat­ri­mo­ny collapses
under the strain of a bleak future

Crum­bling down inside,
pin­ball wiz­ards and gallery queens
lit­ter the boardwalk
every Sat­ur­day night
until ver­bal fisticuffs
lead to race riots

If there was a cast­ing call
for those who are afraid
to suc­ceed at all costs,
the entire pop­u­la­tion of Joplin
might just show up

Michael N. Thomp­son is the result of a debauched three­some between Neal Cas­sady, Anne Sex­ton and Dar­by Crash. His poet­ry has appeared in numer­ous lit­er­ary jour­nals includ­ing The Mon­tucky Review, Word Riot, Toron­to Quar­ter­ly, Lum­mox Press and The Hobo Camp Review. He is the author of four poet­ry col­lec­tions, the most recent being Ver­bal Alche­my (Blunt Trau­ma Press, 2012) and the forth­com­ing A Mur­der Of Crows (Uni­ver­si­ty Of Hell Press, 2014). Michael lives among the pas­tures and pines in North­ern Cal­i­for­nia. He doesn’t care much for meter and rhyme. His web­site is www​.michael​nthomp​son​.com

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