#MyWritingProcess

#My Writ­ing Process Blog Tour

I’ve been tagged by the fan­tas­tic writer Tama­ra Linse to talk about #MyWrit­ing­Process, such as it is. I hope these answers will enter­tain or reveal, depend­ing on what you think of my writing.

What am I work­ing on?

reckoningThis is always a tricky ques­tion, as I’m involved in sev­er­al dif­fer­ent projects at a time. Right now I’m near­ly ready to shop a man­u­script of poems called Dear So and So, in which I address poems anony­mous­ly to a num­ber of peo­ple who may or may not be in a posi­tion to answer, or will­ing to talk with me at all, con­sid­er­ing our var­i­ous his­to­ries. It’s a series of off-son­nets and oth­er near poems, like in-jokes from my life, which oth­ers might have fun read­ing. I’m also research­ing a short book on the video game Red­neck Ram­page, which game near­ly con­sumed my soul in the 1990s just as I was order­ing my life and goals and writ­ing in light of the fact that I was Appalachi­an, 41.7% more like­ly to die of a heart attack than my peers, and des­tined to have a love/hate rela­tion­ship with the area in which I grew up. Beyond that, I have anoth­er name­less man­u­script of poems which should straight­en up and behave itself soon or I’m going to whip its ass, and a nov­el called The Arson­ist, again set in my home­town and sur­rounds, in which a state social work­er, Kath­leen Brake, gets increas­ing­ly drawn into the psy­choses of a crazy but charis­mat­ic teenage arson­ist named John­ny Jones while nego­ti­at­ing the ter­rors of ado­les­cent rela­tion­ships with her fif­teen-year-old daugh­ter Ang­ie and her own love life with her well-mean­ing but feck­less hus­band Gal­low. And her short-term lover Brady Bragg. All have secrets, all have needs, and when the flames rise, every­one will be affected.

How does my work dif­fer from oth­ers of its genre?

iamnotarielI write in a mode many oth­ers do, but I believe my work stands out because of its focus on rur­al mat­ters, near­ly exclu­sive­ly, and because I try to use as few words as pos­si­ble to make the sto­ry I want to make up. I also believe my sto­ries are emo­tion­al­ly true where oth­ers often seem fake. Prob­a­bly the fak­ers feel the same way about me and my work. The dif­fer­ence is that I’m right where they’re wrong. 🙂

Why do I write what I do?

rustyI have lit­tle else to do out­side oblig­a­tions to my imme­di­ate fam­i­ly. I have no impor­tant skills I can rely on, no rich fam­i­ly to sup­port me in my efforts to pro­duce art, no great intel­lect to make it eas­i­er on me, but I do have a his­to­ry 250 years deep in a small area of Penn­syl­va­nia that so far has yield­ed mate­r­i­al enough for at least three writ­ing careers, and I trust, will con­tin­ue to pro­vide such long after I’m gone.

How does my writ­ing process work?

When I’m writ­ing on a longer project, I try to get five hun­dred words a day. Fail­ing that, if I get 250 I’ll hang it up for the ses­sion. Rare is the day I don’t get my 500, though. I begin writ­ing for my hour per day after the kids go to bed, more time being devot­ed to it when life per­mits. Poems I can work on any time. Fic­tion takes a con­cert­ed effort and sched­ule. I go long stretch­es with­out writ­ing, though, which is dan­ger­ous. I always feel as if I don’t write all the time, I’ll for­get how. Luck­i­ly, that hasn’t proven to be true yet.

The Cool Peo­ple I’m Tagging

Heather Sul­li­van http://​lady​janead​ven​tures​.blogspot​.com/

Cort Bled­soe http://​clbled​soe​.blogspot​.com/

Tim­o­thy Gager http://​tim​o​th​y​gager​.blogspot​.com/

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment

#MyWritingProcess Blog Tour: The Writing Process–Tamara Linse

I'm par­tic­i­pat­ing in a blog tour with sev­er­al great writ­ers, focus­ing on #MyWrit­ing­Process. Tama­ra Linse tagged me for this, and I usu­al­ly can't turn down FCAC vet­er­ans, so here goes. Check out Tamara's answers and look for mine next week.

Tama­ra Linse ~ writer, cog­i­ta­tor, recov­er­ing ranch girl ~ broke her col­lar­bone at three, her leg at four, a horse at twelve, and her heart ever since. She is the author of How to Be a Man, a lit­er­ary short sto­ry col­lec­tion. She lives in Wyoming, where she writes short sto­ries and nov­els.  To sup­port her writ­ing habit, she also edits, free­lances, and occa­sion­al­ly teach­es. Find her on the web at www​.tama​r​alinse​.com.

Tamara Linse

What am I work­ing on?

Oh, I’m hav­ing such a great time! I’m work­ing on a young adult nov­el called Pride that’s Pride and Prej­u­dice set in con­tem­po­rary Wyoming.  My pro­tag­o­nists tend to be teenagers any­way, and so YA is a nat­ur­al fit for me.  Plus, you wouldn’t believe how well-suit­ed British clas­sics are to present-day adap­ta­tions.  I mean, down to the very move­ments of the dia­log.  Sure, it’s dif­fer­ent lan­guage, but you can say exact­ly the same thing.  Plus I’ve set it in Jack­son Hole.  If you remem­ber, Pride and Prej­u­dice is a lot about class, and so Jack­son is per­fect because you have the well-off peo­ple fly­ing in for vaca­tion or they have sum­mer hous­es or win­ter ski con­dos, and then you have the locals who can’t actu­al­ly afford to live in Jack­son.  I’m think­ing about devel­op­ing a series called the Wyoming Chron­i­cles.  The girls’ YA nov­els will be rewrites of Pride and Prej­u­dice and Wuther­ing Heights, and the boys’ YA nov­els will be rewrites of The Island of Dr. More­au and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide.  And they’re so much fun to write!

How does my work dif­fer­ent from oth­ers of its genre?

Now that is a good ques­tion.  What first leaps to mind is that I have two major influ­ences, the west­ern and lit­er­ary fic­tion.  The genre of the west­ern hangs heavy over life in the West, even today, and peo­ple still hold it close to their hearts.  Lit­er­ary fic­tion, on the oth­er hand, has always been close to mine because I’m inter­est­ed in try­ing to cap­ture the sub­tleties of lived expe­ri­ence, two peo­ple in a room and the small vio­lences and small kind­ness­es they do to one anoth­er.  This is reflect­ed in the two writ­ers I admire most ~ Hem­ing­way and Vir­ginia Woolf.  I love Hem­ing­way because he’s our nat­ur­al inher­i­tance here in the West, and I love VW because she also tries to cap­ture home­ly inte­ri­ors and rela­tion­ships.  So I guess you could say that I write lit­er­ary fic­tion but its set­ting of the con­tem­po­rary West is unusual.

tamaralinseWhy do I write what I do?

This ques­tion seems to imply a choice.  I don’t think we have a choice.  Sure, we are drawn to cer­tain gen­res and types of writ­ing, but that’s just it.  We’re drawn to it. It’s inex­plic­a­ble some­times why we like cer­tain things and not oth­er things. Grow­ing up on a ranch, you would think I would love the Cow­boy Way and coun­try music and hors­es, but I don’t. Or rather, I do and I don’t.  I’m deeply ambiva­lent about it.  I take to heart the advice that your best mate­r­i­al is what makes you uncom­fort­able, what embar­rass­es you, what obsess­es you.  All that stuff and the under­ly­ing psy­chol­o­gy fas­ci­nates me, obsess­es me, because of course it’s the water around me, to quote David Fos­ter Wallace.

How does your writ­ing process work?

I avoid.  I feel guilty.  I think about it and cog­i­tate and work it out in my mind.  I avoid some more.  I think some more.  Some­times the idea goes away.  I have lots of ideas all the time, espe­cial­ly when I’m being pro­duc­tive, and so they’re always slip­ping away from me.  But then some­times I’m able to set bound­aries and tell the world to go to hell and start writ­ing.  Get­ting start­ed is by far the hard­est part.  Once I get going, it usu­al­ly just flows.  I’ve thought so much about it that it car­ries me along and it’s fair­ly final when it gets on the page.  Some­times sto­ries will require major restruc­tur­ing, but usu­al­ly not.  Nov­els on the oth­er hand almost always need major rewrites. Which sucks.  I rewrite as I go too.  I always reread and edit through what I wrote the last cou­ple of days before I start writ­ing that day’s work.  It helps with con­ti­nu­ity and also helps the work improve every day.  Once I have a com­plete draft, I put it aside and then reread it.  Okay, to be hon­est, I reread it obses­sive­ly until I can’t any more.  If I send it out, I reread it obses­sive­ly again.  You know how it is ~ you’re try­ing to see how oth­er peo­ple see it.  Often, if I haven’t read some­thing for a while, I get to think­ing about how bad it is, but then when I reread it I go, “Hey, this isn’t near­ly as bad as I thought it was.”

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Poems by Dennis Mahagin

Cam­bridge Bone

Then a dream
of Aerosmith’s

Joe Per­ry,
how he fixed me
with some low down

vacant stare,
on the banks
of the Charles there,
how he loaned me

his snow-white muffler

in Boston, not

Austin
—about mid
Decem­ber, uncle Salty, Season
of Wither.

Joe Per­ry pressed
a platinum
plectrum
in my hot palm; how it dissolved
as any iridium

wafer on tongue… I shivered,
shiv­ered and sighed, said: "Why you always
hum good har­mo­ny my man, like Steve Tyler's
thumb nails com­ing out arrow heads?" …

Joe Per­ry flashed

Anger – flaring

dream­like
hard rock onyx, only
8 tenths

of a sec­ond there, then

gone.

I knew our lives take
a thou­sand, six­ty eight

sep­a­rate win­ter weeks
as so many lot­tery tickets
to repa­tri­ate a false

belief,
while the human being
burns up

in antic­i­pa­tion
of imag­ined grief …

Joe Per­ry couldn’t be
con­front­ed by none
of that; in fact was already
hum­ming anew, melodies
ground­ed in the knocking

of Dorchester’s best
hotel radi­a­tor; yes, he spat

a soft swirl steam cloud into the heart

of the heart of the Charles
a lit­tle while

lat­er in this dream

Joe Per­ry

told me Frostbite
makes a hel­la good

cal­lus —> but only

to a point.

Sheridan’s Girlfriend’s Girlfriend’s Ghazal

She lived to love it so, shoot­ing her speed balls washed down
with Chanel, trip through grave­yards. Goose flesh spun, and spun.

A thing lured, intrin­sic, hence­forth indica­tive: how’ll it rise above?
She would address each of her twen­ty eight coun­selors as Kay Hon? …

Oh, stare long, hard enough at those pre­cious breath clouds, mid
night, fair to mid­dling duel w/ moon­light. Last spill. Tes­ta­ment. Done.

Plum cardi­gan she wore out, sev­en sizes too big, sleeves pulled past
fin­ger tips. In the dive clubs of Mult­nom­ah, cum bouncer's stun guns.

My Lord when that old jam song Jere­my came on, the bass itself did
glis­san­do her corneas. Skull-ward, milky thick as a cluck of nun's tongue.

Con­do­lences bro­ken, for her freak's self: Ali McGraw’s win­ter beanie,
as Death held her by the tas­sels, whis­pered up, up, babe—you're the one.

Anoth­er Tongue-Twistin’ Allit­er­a­tive Face­book Tweak­er Poem

Wal­ter White’s
on the World Wide Web

cor­ner­ing Chlor-Trimeton

from Cana­da
using a most­ly re-loadable

throw­away

New Jer­sey Visa deb­it card.

dennismahaginDen­nis Mahagin's first book of poems, enti­tled Grand Mal, is avail­able from Rebel Satori Press, and Ama­zon Dot Com. Friend him on Twit­ter: https://​www​.twit​ter​.com/​s​c​r​u​f​f​y​123

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Chicken Wire Children, by Mikael Covey

Grand­ma Bea’s son was killed in the war. Lots of peo­ple were. In Ham­burg Ger­many there’s a pil­lar in the mid­dle of the riv­er, it says “50,000 sons of the city died for you.” It says that in Ger­man. In the ceme­tery in the lit­tle vil­lage of Polceni­go Italy, there are tomb­stones with row after row of the same names, same year. Whole fam­i­lies lost. Grand­ma Bea didn’t know that, she’d nev­er heard of those places. She wasn’t a trav­el­er or par­tic­u­lar­ly well-educated.

She knew her son was dead and her hus­band was gone. He was old and ill, con­fined in the state hos­pi­tal, near the town where she lived, but that didn’t make any dif­fer­ence. There was no one left to run the farm. They’d peti­tioned the gov­ern­ment to keep her son from the war; but it didn’t work. He went and nev­er came back. War is tough on the poor. Her only daugh­ter, Mag­gie, was dying of can­cer. She was twenty-four.

Mag­gie had two lit­tle boys, Tom­mie and Dav­ey. They didn’t know their mom­my was dying. She’d got­ten sick when Dav­ey was born. She was awful­ly sick for a long time. Her hus­band Dave senior, hired a local woman to care for Mag­gie. Her name was Lucia (Loosha). She wasn’t a nurse, but she was won­der­ful­ly sweet and kind and gen­tle. Mag­gie died any­way. Grand­ma Bea would some­times take care of Tom­mie and Dav­ey. She was good to Tom­mie but not so good to Dav­ey. She thought Dav­ey killed her daughter.

Soon after­wards, Tom­mie and Dav­ey went to stay with my grand­par­ents, just like I did years lat­er when my mom­my left. My grand­par­ents were sad­dened by Maggie’s death and by how lit­tle Dav­ey was blamed for it. They were very good to Dav­ey but not as good to his broth­er Tom­mie. Dave senior, was also sad­dened by his wife’s death. But he was very appre­cia­tive of Lucia car­ing for her. He and Lucia got mar­ried. Grand­ma Bea said her daughter’s body wasn’t even cold in the grave yet. But that didn’t mat­ter either.

Tom­mie and Dav­ey had a new moth­er, and a new big sis­ter. Lucia had a lit­tle daugh­ter named Janette. Lucia’s hus­band had also been killed in the war, on Iwo Jima island along with a lot of oth­er peo­ple. Janette had nev­er even seen her father, only a dead pic­ture in a scrap­book. War is tough on the poor.

But even though Tom­mie and Dav­ey had a new mom­my, it wasn’t their real mom­my; nor was Dave, Janette’s real dad­dy. And the three of them weren’t real­ly broth­er and sis­ter. But they all got along just fine.

Things went well for them. Dave was a vet­eri­nar­i­an. He’d just been start­ing out when his first wife died, and mon­ey was tight. But he became was a wealthy man, and the farm was just a hob­by for him, some­thing to do on his days off.

Some time lat­er, Lucia and Dave had a lit­tle baby daugh­ter named Mer­ri. She was the sweet­est pret­ti­est hap­pi­est lit­tle girl I ever knew. I was relat­ed to all these peo­ple more or less, since Dave and my dad were broth­ers. In the sum­mers I would go and stay with my cousins at their farm. It was like being in heav­en. We weren’t rich, but they were; and all these many acres of green grass, creeks, fields, and pine for­est, was their play­ground. I loved play­ing there. I espe­cial­ly loved play­ing with Mer­ri because she was so wild and care­free and hap­py. I could nev­er be that way, only when I was around her.

For some rea­son Grand­ma Bea was always around at the farm too. I don’t know why. I didn’t even know how she was relat­ed to any of us. I guess for the most part, she wasn’t. She wasn’t very grand­moth­er­ly either; not short or fat or even very old. She looked kind of tall and skin­ny with a dark wrinkly face and brown hair. And she talked so fast in such a high-pitched heavy accent; it was hard to under­stand what she was say­ing. I felt dis­tant from her, even though she seemed like a real nice per­son. She was always smil­ing and had kind of a twin­kle in her eyes like every­thing around her was fun­ny in some way.

I thought every­thing around the farm was just fine. Well…except that Dav­ey stut­tered real bad. He was as hard to under­stand as Grand­ma Bea. I felt sor­ry for him, even though he was a lot old­er than me. He was always so nice and kind to us lit­tle kids. He’d sad­dle up the horse for us to ride and sort of take care of us like a big broth­er. It was too bad he couldn’t talk right, like oth­er peo­ple. I always thought Dav­ey and his horse were a lot alike, big and strong, but so gen­tle and nice. He could talk to the horse and not stut­ter. He’d say “whoa, boy; easy there old son” and open his hand to give the horse a lump of sug­ar. It was like they under­stood each oth­er, like they were two of a kind with a spe­cial sort of bond between them.

His broth­er Tom­mie wasn’t like Dav­ey. He was fat, and not very tall. Peo­ple said oth­er kids would tease him and make fun of him. They’d sing “Thoma­sine, Thoma­sine, fat­ter than a but­ter­bean” when he got on the school bus in the morn­ing. But no one felt sor­ry for Tom­mie. They just laughed at him. He didn’t like hors­es either, and he didn’t like to play and get all dirty like kids do.

Tom­mie liked to play the piano. Mer­ri didn’t, but she had to spend half an hour prac­tic­ing every evening between eight and eight-thir­ty. We’d count the min­utes so we could go back to play­ing. I don’t know what Janette did. It seemed like she was nev­er around. But then she was the old­est of all of us kids, so maybe she was out some­where. It nev­er even felt like I was relat­ed to Janette, and of course I wasn’t. None of us were.

One day my fam­i­ly moved a long ways away from where my cousins lived, from the farm as we always called it. We moved to Michi­gan, the farm was in Geor­gia. Years lat­er, Davey’s horse Son­ny got old and died. That was sad. I can’t help but con­nect Son­ny to my child­hood, and the farm. When Son­ny died, I was nev­er a child again and things were nev­er the same. Janette got preg­nant and eloped with her boyfriend. She nev­er went to med school like her step-dad want­ed her to. Dav­ey got over his stut­ter­ing some­how and he went to school to be a vet­eri­nar­i­an, but he had a ner­vous break­down and began play­ing with guns. He had rifles and pis­tols and even made his own bul­lets with caps and lead molds. Then he would shoot at trees around the farm.

His broth­er Tom­mie did go to med school but he too had a ner­vous break­down and stayed in bed for over a year. He would write let­ters about killing peo­ple like his moth­er who wasn’t real­ly his moth­er. He moved in with Grand­ma Bea at her lit­tle house in town and she took care of him. Sur­pris­ing­ly, it all worked out pret­ty well for them. Dav­ey even­tu­al­ly went back to school and final­ly became a vet­eri­nar­i­an. Tom­mie devel­oped schiz­o­phre­nia, but he grad­u­al­ly got more and more able to func­tion. He moved to Las Vegas and works as a bar­tender. He makes good mon­ey and comes up to vis­it us once in a while. He’s the only one that does.

Mer­ri who was always my favorite per­son in the whole world, died young. Even though she was the only one out of all of us who had both her real par­ents, it didn’t mat­ter. She became an alco­holic and lived a very tor­tured life after all that bliss­ful child­hood. Then she got can­cer and died. We all got togeth­er like a big fam­i­ly reunion to attend her funer­al. It was hard. I hat­ed to leave her there. Even after the ser­vices were over and every­one had left the ceme­tery, I stayed there and watched as the work­men shov­eled in the red Geor­gia clay that used to always remind me of home. I stayed there a long time.

Lat­er I walked around the farm, with all those mem­o­ries, but I couldn’t see very clear­ly. Maybe I hadn’t slept so well in the days after hear­ing of Merri’s death. And then hav­ing to dri­ve all the way down there and not want­i­ng to stop. Almost like going home and no home to go to. It was a bril­liant­ly sun­ny day, calm and warm like I always remem­bered it. I walked into the shade of the big pine trees and put my hand on a fence post. A fence we’d maybe crawled over and jumped over count­less times as chil­dren. The build­ings and trees and grass stood out so sharp and dis­tinct and all of it unre­al, like a mirage, like a dream, all gone. One of my cousins walked up to me, he was a lit­tle old­er than Mer­ri, but I think she was his favorite too. We looked at each oth­er, both of us fight­ing back the tears. “This is a tough one,” he said.

 

Posted in chicken wire children, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Vietnam. Fucking Vietnam, fiction by William Trent Pancoast

The dark­ness start­ed on my lunch break at the fend­er fac­to­ry. I went out by myself that day, late in Feb­ru­ary with snow on the ground, yet with full sun­shine, the sort of day that promis­es some­thing but you know it can’t and won’t deliv­er any­thing. I drove to the local beer dock where I bought the usu­al six pack then sat in the park­ing lot with the truck win­dows down, a cold breeze fil­ter­ing through the cab.

Down a cou­ple of spaces from me, one of the guys from ship­ping was play­ing Bil­ly Joel’s “Good­bye Saigon.” He had it turned up loud like you’re sup­posed to lis­ten to that song, the anger of it shear­ing the hum of the fac­to­ry in the dis­tance. The song fin­ished and he played it again, loud­er yet, the chop­pers, always the chop­pers in Viet­nam, the fuck­ing chop­per war, blast­ing their rotors loud and obnox­ious, the anger of the song blend­ing with the arriv­ing black­ness of my mood, and it was 1966 again, us high school kids stand­ing in the hall­way look­ing at a pic­ture of a guy who had grad­u­at­ed in the spring, just four months ear­li­er. There on the bul­letin board in the hall­way was Tom Lane, a lit­tle guy, not ath­let­ic, not artis­tic or musi­cal, not hand­some, not any­thing that I could ever remem­ber about him. But he was patri­ot­ic and dead. He had joined the Army and gone straight to Viet­nam where he got blown the fuck up. So the school put his pic­ture on the bul­letin board in the main hall­way, him kneel­ing in his fatigues hold­ing his rifle and wear­ing his hel­met, with a cap­tion that read, “Tom Lane, killed in Viet­nam last week.” That day in the hall­way was the first I had ever heard of Vietnam.

I sat there in the park­ing lot think­ing of Tom Lane and the next year of 1967 when Viet­nam was plas­tered all over the TV screen every evening, guys get­ting fucked up in front of us, and a great big What the Fuck was form­ing in my high school brain. I pic­tured my dad, the Army Infantry grunt from the Bat­tle of the Bulge who got through the rest of his life by con­sum­ing a hun­dred thou­sand dol­lars worth of alco­hol, watch­ing the news, eyes fixed on the lit­tle black and white screen but flit­ting over to me every once in awhile like he won­dered what the fuck I thought about it, or if I even under­stood what it was going to mean to me. He nev­er talked to me about Vietnam—what I should do—join up, run, get a defer­ment, not a fuck­ing thing.

The next year I was a stu­dent at Ohio State Uni­ver­si­ty. That win­ter I got a phone call that a friend in my class from high school had been killed in Nam. He had been there a week and stepped on a land mine. His wife was one month preg­nant when he died.

I sat think­ing these things and see­ing these images, think­ing too of the day of the Kent State killings when my dad and I came to blows, and a fierce dark anger cov­ered me com­plete­ly, the Viet­nam War upon me again, a sick­ness that haunt­ed every cit­i­zen in Amer­i­ca those years—Johnson and Nixon and McNa­ma­ra send­ing near­ly three mil­lion Amer­i­can kids to a fuck­ing worth­less jun­gle just because they could, like the kings of old. Pick a coun­try and make war. The dark­ness of all things set­tled over me that day at lunch in the park­ing lot of the GM plant and I didn’t go back in the place.

I sat in the park­ing lot with nowhere to go now that I was back in the mid­dle of the Viet­nam War a half decade after the war’s end. Back in the dark­ness, not going down togeth­er in Viet­nam with my class­mates and 58,200 oth­ers who got blown up, got sold out by the gov­ern­ment, for the glo­ry of noth­ing. For Nothing.

A whole coun­try with PTSD—the Amer­i­can Legion guys hat­ing the hip­pies, and the hip­pies hat­ing the gov­ern­ment, the gov­ern­ment killing us all, and moms and dads and kids at every cross­road and in every cor­ner of the nation in con­stant sor­row for the lost or soon to be lost chil­dren, and the gov­er­nor of Ohio order­ing the mur­der of kids at Kent State University.

 

I was plen­ty drunk, me and sev­er­al of the reg­u­lars, by the time John sat down on the bar stool beside me that evening. I could see that he was half in the bag too. “Hey. How’s it going?” I asked.

He just nodded.

I got this,” I told the bartender.

John nod­ded again.

We drank our beers. I had heard he was get­ting a divorce. Him and most of the oth­er Viet­nam guys. Treat­ing their PTSD with alco­hol like sol­diers have done since alco­hol was invent­ed. But so was I get­ting a divorce. So was I sit­ting here.

Where you work­ing?” I asked him.

He tilt­ed his head to look at me with­out turn­ing his neck. “Nowhere man. There aren’t any jobs.” After a minute he added, “I think you got the last fuck­ing job in Amer­i­ca over at Gen­er­al Motors.”

Not much around,” I said. I was past the dark­ness and way into the numb­ness and want­ed every­one every­where to be for­giv­en for every­thing and all get on with Amer­i­ca and our lives.

Your dad said he would get me in the plant. I can’t even take care of my family.”

I’m sure he did what he could.”

He promised me. He said it was a sure thing he could get me in.”

I imag­ined my dad sit­ting on a bar stool beside John up at the Amer­i­can Legion Hall, late in the evening and drunk, treat­ing his own PTSD from 35 years ago and World War II..

He said us vets got to stick together.”

I nod­ded, start­ing to lapse back into the dark­ness from the numb­ness. “Man, it’s hard to get any­one in that place.”

He got you in.”

I glanced over at John, watched him rotate the beer bot­tle and pick at the label, the con­den­sa­tion drip­ping onto the bar.

Yeah,” I said. The dark­ness was back on top of the numb­ness and the anger of Viet­nam was return­ing. I want­ed to say I knew what he was feel­ing, but I didn’t because I couldn’t. I want­ed to say that I was sor­ry I didn’t go to Viet­nam, but I wasn’t.

"You got my fuck­ing job.”

He did the best he could,” I said, think­ing of my old man, a bot­tom rung accoun­tant who had got­ten fired in 1956 for stand­ing up for vets where he worked then, when the com­pa­ny was fir­ing them to beat them out of their retirement.

Your old man‘s a fuck­ing liar,” he said.

I don’t think so,” I told him.

A fuck­ing liar.”

Fuck you. Fuck­ing Viet­nam vet,” I scoffed, all the anger and the dark­ness and numb­ness all rolled into one big ball of ugli­ness now.

He was to my right, so when I saw the first move­ment of his bar stool toward mine, I nailed him with a big round­house left hook and knocked him clean off his seat. He got up fast and I was ready, blind to every­thing except the ene­my, and got him anoth­er good one. He socked me one hard punch in the eye, then the bar­tender pulled him off and anoth­er guy grabbed me. He held up his hands, palms out to indi­cate he was done, the dark sad­ness of the day on him too, and turned and head­ed for the door.

What was that all about?” one of the guys asked.

Viet­nam. Fuck­ing Vietnam.”

pancoast"Viet­nam. Fuck­ing Viet­nam." first appeared in Issue #16 of Steel Toe Review. William Trent Pancoast's nov­els include WILDCAT (2010) and CRASHING (1983). His fic­tion has appeared in MONKEYBICYCLE, Night Train, The Moun­tain Call, and Sol­i­dar­i­ty mag­a­zine. Pan­coast recent­ly retired from the auto indus­try after thir­ty years as a die mak­er and union news­pa­per edi­tor. Born in 1949, the author lives in Ontario, Ohio.

 

 


Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Three Poems by Teisha Twomey

Mem­o­ry of a Pool Shark

You told me I was a good shot,
the same way you praised me

when I knocked that eight ball
into the cor­ner pock­et before you could.

I had to call them out loud,
when the game got too close.

We’d prac­tice in a local pool hall
where I was allowed

free refills of Shirley Temples
and as many quar­ters as I could carry

to the juke­box. On the weekends
we’d take on a team of barfly townies,

in some pub over the mountain.
They’d see that pool cue towering

over my sum­mer-sun lit hair, wide eyes
bat­ting and fig­ure it was a father humoring

a daugh­ter, an easy enough steal.
Then, I’d scratch on the break, miss

the first cou­ple high balls, warming
up the way you’d taught me. Soon,

we’d both bring it home, bank­ing shots
off the sides, behind our backs, watching

the dropped jaws fall as I’d tight­en up
on those angles and sink one shot

after anoth­er. Then, I would smile
my toothy grin, my tiny face-up palm,

demand­ing they pay up, fair and square,
watch­ing the greasy bills pil­ing into it.

You’d lean back then, grin­ning beneath
a han­dle­bar mus­tache, saying

Girl, you done good. I want­ed to know
if win­ning would always be so easy,

aim­ing with one eye closed,
the oth­er focused on a ball or bird

still in flight, some shot
I was born to sink.

 

Lamen­ta­tion of the Mouse

We were only crawl­ing inside to get warm,
still those traps went off all night. We heard

each equi­lib­ri­um break­ing, those springs coming
loose, ham­mers falling, the splin­ter­ing of spinal

columns, skele­tal axis’ sev­ered. Don’t you recall
the shat­ter of bones and mar­row as each soft body

gave way? They were pinned every night. Tonight
that bar caught your tiny foot so tight the skin

was wrenched from the bone. You could have chewed
your own leg off. Had you real­ly no choice to scuttle

that way? That gory plank towed around,
before you final­ly bled out beneath the rock­ing chair.

That’s where they hid the peanut but­ter and cheese.
You knew bet­ter, than the tod­dlers and puppies

that came lat­er. I imag­ined those wires snap­ping closed,
the stilt­ed mon­strosi­ties like stiff wood­en louses.

Lous­es on mous­es, remem­ber­ing the shift­ing of dishes,
the nib­bling. Once, I star­tled the man in his sleep.

When he sprang from his bed, I flew through the air.
I only need­ed some bed­ding, but expected

some­thing soon­er, always with the break of spine
and neck, a swift and lucky way to die. One day,

you’ll drag your­self room room to room, until you bleed
out, just like the ani­mal you were born to be. They will

just throw your vel­vety-hide out the near­est window.
Tonight will be dif­fer­ent. Some­one will turn on a light

and you won’t be able to hide by scurrying
from coun­ter­top and into the breadbox.

 

The Secret to Survival

You nev­er put all your eggs in one bromeliad
or count­ed your tad­poles before they’d hatched,
or hinged your faith on that, the bud­ding bulge

where pro­trud­ing limbs had begun to bud.
You were too bewil­dered by their fragility
and escaped into the wil­lows to watch

their slaugh­ter from a safe dis­tance. Did you ever feel
inept, even momen­tar­i­ly, hat­ing the jagged edges
of your­self as you real­ized lily pad blos­soms were fleshier

than you had ever been, more equipped to nurture?
No. You plant­ed your­self on the bank across the way,
to watch the lat­est brood rav­aged, the way they went

opaque in the sun. With­out miss­ing a beat, you laid
a hun­dred more eggs in their place, cool­ly replaced
each casu­al­ty. So method­i­cal­ly indifferent

to the bear­ing, such bequeathed redun­dan­cy of origin,
the cloudy mass­es you no longer iden­ti­fied with.
You expelled one foamy batch after anoth­er, the latest

one indis­tin­guish­able from the last, able to afford
such reck­less gra­vid­i­ty with­out pause. Then you sculled
at the edge of them as well, keep­ing one idle eye prying

on the wretched prospects which rarely shattering
into real­i­ty. Those fluky odd­balls emerged lack­ing luster,
dusky-grey blobs that wag­gled unremit­ting­ly. You objected

to this, their slack build, prim­i­tive tail, poor­ly developed
gills. The arm­less, the tail­less, the tongue-less state
embar­rassed you. You resent­ed their inabil­i­ty to scream

out as the heron swal­lowed a dozen flank­ing siblings,
the ones hid­ing at the under­bel­ly of float­ing grasses.
You were privy to the way those bod­ies grew

tapered with time. Those few endur­ing creatures
who’d begun to feed off the yolk of their own insides.
It was like watch­ing a thing give birth to itself,

a grad­ual over­ture towards beau­ty as nature’s formula
took hold, evok­ing bal­anced ratios of pro­por­tion within
each body of the sta­t­ic lagoon. The lucky ones,

still appear like unpre­dictable neigh­bors, planting
them­selves at the water’s edge. These few will prove
fruit­ful; match­ing the pitch­forked precision

with which you har­poon dam­selflies. Every cold-blooded
bull­frog on that fringe will swell with pride, each upturned
snout aimed at the heav­ens, much oblig­ed at a chance to savor

this res­o­nance; the croak­ing of each doomed creature
which has begun to huff and puff, rel­ish­ing in the guttural
calls of cop­u­la­tion, esteemed by the impossibility

of exis­tence, that all the self-worth they’ve gulped down,
comes up at once, as they deem their own death rattle
as the only mir­a­cle, worth croon­ing lul­la­bies over.

Ode to the Harvestmen 

Flies are resilient, appear­ing when they sense the peaches
going ripe, grow­ing yeast. You, a microbe, eat­ing the fruit,

and spit­ting up alco­hol. This was how I envi­sioned you,
step­fa­ther, appear­ing past bed­time, rolling in like larvae,

smelling like mag­gots wrig­gling in their own frothy rot,
stink­ing like a sour mop in the cor­ner of my room.

You’d hatch at twi­light, ruby eyes glow­ing, cher­ry snout
root­ing in the kitchen, seek­ing fer­men­ta­tion, bee to honey.

I gath­ered dad­dy lon­glegs in the mud­room, clutched
each one in my hands, amass­ing my own secret army

of arach­nids, housed beneath wine glass­es, try­ing to fat­ten them
with slugs, cater­pil­lars. They drew in all six limbs through

gnashed jaws, wash­ing before every meal, and soon molted,
split­ting open, one by one, tak­ing twen­ty min­utes to drag

their springy legs from old cas­ings. emerg­ing hungry.
I put those trans­formed troops in a buck­et, watched

the way they gath­ered, linked limbs togeth­er. Small,
vel­vety-red clover mites clung to some. This is how

I envi­sioned my moth­er, the way she hung on too tightly.
Step­fa­ther, I want­ed to rip your parts off like a stepchild

tear­ing the wings off a pest then watch­ing them scamper,
flight­less on a win­dowsill, drop­ping you, wingless

into the teem­ing pail of preda­tors, mumbling
“Good­night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

IMG_1981Teisha Twom­ey is cur­rent­ly work­ing on her MFA in Poet­ry at Les­ley Uni­ver­si­ty in Cam­bridge, MA and interns at Wilder­ness House Press. Teisha’s work has appeared in Ibbet­son Street , Fried Chick­en and Cof­fee, The San­ta Fe Lit­er­ary Review, Metazen, Poet­i­ca and she recent­ly was select­ed for pub­li­ca­tion for the upcom­ing "Wasn't That Spe­cial?" Anthol­o­gy.

http://​www​.teishat​wom​ey​.blogspot​.com/

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Traveling Highway Forty, by Amy Wilson

Pink sin­gle-wide
plopped in a pasture
that hous­es my favorite billboard,
“Cur­tis Watson’s Cat­fish Restaurant:
Free Corn­bread Basket.”

I used to drink whiskey every time I ate catfish
Vern shares.

Vern, Lucille
last table
Delta Café.

Hop in
Vern says,
jumper cables
not churning
my truck battery
one iota.

Junior year
’02,
I left a keg party
for a guy
liv­ing in a cow field
just like this one
where Cur­tis Watson
lives.

Futon thrown on green shag,

Sad­dle up on top

ride me like a stud

not some Clydesdale

and say ‘Fuck’

Fuck my twat Dwayne.’

Wing-Nut
the Ger­man Shepherd
gnaw­ing on Spam,
Wing Nut’s turds
the size of ash trays.Mom’s boyfriend, RJ,
pee­ing in our shower,

Saves toi­let paper,”
RJ pinch­ing my ass
boobs, thighs
daily.

II.

Fire­lake Indi­an Casi­no exit,
Lucille says
if she, Vern
still “booz­ers-delux­e‑o”
they’d be at home
bust­ing each other’s noses.

I frac­tured Vern’s wrist

a black-out.

Stabbed my arm

a knit­ting needle

think­ing my arm

was Vern’s–

that’s when we found recovery.

I stayed in Dwayne’s trail­er three days.
Dwayne’s Grandma
chain smok­ing Winstons
from her wheelchair,
adult diaper
not changed during
Cops, All My Children
cuz she’d bite.

McCloud Exit,
Lucille gifts
Wheat Chex-pret­zel mix,
Me, Vern, Lucille,
I‑Trav­eled-To-Hell
club members,
invis­i­ble t‑shirts
safe­ty orange,
“ Survivor”
etched in red.

Amy Susan Wil­son has recent­ly pub­lished in South­ern Women’s Review, Southern
Lit­er­ary Review, Cyber­soleil, Dead Mule, Crosstim­bers, Red Riv­er Review, The Lit­er­ary Lawyer, Red Dirt Review, and in oth­er sim­i­lar pub­li­ca­tions. Amy Susan is the Founder and Pub­lish­er of Red Truck Review: A Forum of South­ern Lit­er­a­ture and Cul­ture, forth­com­ing Sep­tem­ber 2013; www​.face​book​.com/​r​e​d​t​r​u​c​k​r​e​v​iew. Amy lives in Shawnee, Okla­homa, one of the world’s few towns that boasts both an oper­a­tional K‑Mart and go-cart race track adja­cent to June’s Sno-Cone Shak, Home of Nine­ty-Nine Flavors.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Comings and Goings, poem by Pamela Johnson Parker

COMINGS AND GOINGS, OR,
DORIS HOLBROOK HEADS AGAIN FOR HOME

(after James Dickey’s “Cher­ry­log Road”)

I. Jim­my

Off High­way 106
At Cherrylog
I go at noon to meet
This boy that drives
His daddy’s beat-up
Indi­an, a Chief,
A hand-me-down like most
Of Mama’s clothes,
(Passed to me long after

She passed). When we’re
At school, Jim don’t—no,
Doesn’t–know my name,
Just swags on by without
A by-your-leave;
Some big-shot boy, his tee
Shirt sleeves twice rolled,
A Par­lia­ment unlit
Hung from his lip,

A red cloth jack­et when
The weather’s cool.
(A Geor­gia guy that smokes
A fil­tered cig?
Can you believe? What’s wrong
With Chesterfields?)
I know about James Dean
That drove a Porsche,
A Tri­umph motorbike,

An Indi­an
500, not some wired-
Round piece of tin
That whines and whinges. Half
A mile away,
I hear him com­ing, squall
Of tires and all.
I’d rather ride my Schwinn.
Back of the barn,

Than that. “And just because
Your name’s James D.
Don’t mean that you’re a star”
(Or doesn’t mean).
I’ll tell him lat­er. First
I’ll make him wait
And wait and wait, because
I told him noon.
“You always make men sit,

Then get right up
When you waltz in the room
Like Marilyn,”
The Con­fi­den­tial says. Now,
I’m not too much
A tease; I’d just as lief
Talk carburetors,
Plugs, lug wrench­es, hot-
Wired starts, almost

Any­thing than flirt. But try
To tell a fellow
One fact—sprockets, stock cars,
Or even names
Of snakes…A boy from town’s
All hands, no ears,
When tus­sling in that spring-
Sprung Pierce Arrow
A ’34 stalled out among

Junked cars, in what
Jim likes to call parking
Lot of the dead.
That’s poet­ry.
Well, bone
Yard’s more the word,
If you ask me, picked-
Over field, where
I can glean, like Ruth,
What’s left behind.

II. Dad­dy

The lay­ing on of hands
Is taught in church,
Along with strychnine
In a may­on­naise jar
(I still see the label’s
Gum­my trace—Blue Plate),

And rat­tlers coiled like
Sis­ter Hattie’s hair.
You’ve stropped me for not
Lis­ten­ing straight
Through, again the laying
On of hands, rod

Not spared, my backside
Not spared neither.
My skin is welt­ed red,
And marks are raised
Like rick­rack round an apron’s
Edge—a hem

To hem me in. When Jim’s
With me, I’m hemmed
In that same way. Sometimes
He’ll sing a hymn
Of rat­tles, sighs, and snuffles,
High notes all,

Notes I can’t quite reach,
I’m more alto
In shape-note singing, more
The harmony.
I hold the mea­sure low,
And Jim holds me

And holds me and holds me.
He holds me down.
The corkscrew springs are fangs
Pierc­ing my back,
Dot­ted Swiss to the rick-
Rack’s snaky lines.

What would you say, Daddy,
If you was to see
The oth­er points I’ve picked
Besides these plugs
And knobs, my new engine
Revving up?

III. Doris

What’s sharp­er than
A serpent’s tooth
I know is me,

Ungrate­ful child.
Born on a Thursday,
Far to go and

Red­ding up to get there.
Mama’s movie
Mag­a­zines, Mary Worth,

True Con­fes­sions
And her Bible
All the compass

I need to steer me north
Of North Georgia,
Away from Cherrylog
And Cher­ry Cokes
And cars that isn’t, no, aren’t,
So cher­ry. My lipstick’s

Cher­ries in the Snow, case
Black as that old
Pierce-Arrow’s hood, spangled

With stars, more than
The sky over my head,
More than what’s notched

In old Orion’s belt, or
Jimmy’s either.
My fin­ger­nails are varnished,

And my pocketbook
Is patent-leather red.
The high­way snakes

Before me like that
Fat rac­er slow
In sun and smudged

Light­ning in
Shad­ow. Black road, black
Rac­er, black dress

From back of Mama’s closet.
Of the black and red words
In her Bible, I recall

The first ones best,
Matthew and Gen­e­sis:
Begat. Begin­ning.
IV. DeeDee (Mrs. Madi­son) Shear­er III

I know that time is ticking
After me; the good

Lord knows I’ve done my best
To push its hands

Away from me (the way
I nev­er did

With Jim’s). How time’s passing
And now it’s past.

I’ve gone back only once
Since Dad­dy died,

Decades since I left
A girl of 15

On the farm, decades since
Jim died. I’ve heard

He wrote some fine books in
His time. I bought

But nev­er read them, my coffee
Table a marble

Mau­soleum for books.
My hus­band likes

To brag I went to school
With Jim. Well, I’ve

Been schooled, all right. I’ve swapped
My name and hair

For some­thing more genteel,
Cher­ries in the Snow

For mut­ed Clin­ique gloss.
Madi­son sells

Chryslers, Buicks, Cadillacs,
Three dealerships.

He doesn’t know I’ve changed
Out plugs and points

As eas­i­ly as shoes. He
Knows I tap my nails

But not lug wrench­es. He knows
The pedicured,

And Botoxed, frozen-
Cho­sen, prop­er tail-

Gate-going Papa­gal­lo
Girl, pearls and

Cir­cle pin that he married,
Good at golf and

Gar­den­ing, who dabbles
In real estate.

Daddy’s acres and that
Neigh­bor­ing auto

Sal­vage yard will fetch me
Quite the tidy sum.

I’ll turn it over fast,
For Atlanta

Busi­ness­men will swallow
Up a farm like

Black­snakes after mice, one
Sin­gle gulp.

parkerPamela John­son Park­er is an adjunct pro­fes­sor of human­i­ties and poet­ry at Mur­ray State Uni­ver­si­ty and a full-time med­ical edi­tor. Her fic­tion, poet­ry, nd cre­ative non­fic­tion have appeared in Anti‑, Poets and Artists, New Madrid, Mus­ca­dine Lines, A Jour­nal of the South, Iron Horse, Broad­sided, Cen­trifu­gal Eye, Blue Fifth Review, and qar­rt­silu­ni. her poet­ry is includ­ed in Best New Poets 2011 and Poets on Paint­ings. A final­ist for this year’s Bruck­heimer Award from Sara­bande Press, Pamela lives in west­ern Kentucky.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

A Hard Thing, But True, fiction by Amanda Bales

Bras cov­ered the back of the car. They draped over the seats and wrapped over the seat belts and hung from the door han­dles and car­pet­ed the floor, as if a band of horny teenagers had tak­en the Buick for an orgy joy ride. But these were not the bras of teenagers. They were thick-strapped and stur­dy and made of plain white cot­ton, the kinds of bras bought in packs and tossed into a gro­cery cart.

With these bras, George knew there were also french fries and chee­rios and smears of jam and peanut but­ter. Some nights his dreams filled with roach­es gnaw­ing at the stains, and then the seats, and then work­ing their way toward him until he sat on the road, the Buick gone save the steer­ing wheel in his hands. With­in the dream this filled him with pan­ic, but when he awoke, he would close his eyes and pre­tend to con­tin­ue the dream, so that an eigh­teen wheel­er screeched its jake brake, but could not stop in time.

In all oth­er ways the car was immac­u­late. George kept the front vac­u­umed and dust­ed. He changed the oil, and rotat­ed the tires, and made his mechan­ic per­form a tune-up every five thou­sand miles, though the mechan­ic assured him this was not nec­es­sary and usu­al­ly did no more than blow-out a fil­ter and bill him for the full labor. This was how George lived, and there was no one in his life to demand he do otherwise.

Just as there was no one to tell him this trip was a bad idea, to warn him that truth rarely brings under­stand­ing. He’d tak­en a week off from his job as an Assis­tant Prin­ci­pal at Lake Dal­las Mid­dle School, and was now dri­ving nar­row, unmarked high­ways through East­ern Okla­homa with a map rest­ing on the pas­sen­ger seat and an I‑Pod twice through an Eagles playlist.

George slowed as he passed a mileage sign. He checked the near­est name against the piece of paper crin­kled and damp in his hand. PANOLA. PA-no-LA? pa-NO-la? PAN-ola? His wife had nev­er spo­ken the name, not once in their life togeth­er. It was always just ‘back home,’ or ‘where I’m from.’ And even that was a rare occasion.

A speed lim­it warn­ing arrived, then a sign wel­com­ing him to town and list­ing the state cham­pi­onship years of var­i­ous high school sports. A few hous­es appeared, squat and sid­ing plat­ed. Plas­tic flower con­tain­ers hung from front porch hooks. Tele­vi­sions flick­ered behind mini blinds. George rolled past dark­ened storefronts—a phar­ma­cy, a din­er, a dol­lar gen­er­al. He could not tell if these places were closed for the night or for forever.

At the edge of any­thing that could be called town, George paused at a flash­ing yel­low stop­light and cir­cled back. No hotel. No sign for one since McAl­is­ter. Maybe there was one far­ther east. The gas sta­tion was open. George would use the restroom, ask the clerk for advice.

A hand­ful of flat bed diesel trucks sat rum­bling near the entrance. Inside, George nod­ded at the group of men gath­ered around the cash reg­is­ter. Each wore jeans and work boots and long-sleeved shirts. Two had goa­tees. One had a giant, unruly beard. Hard men. Mas­cu­line men. The kind of man his father had been. The men qui­et­ed as George made his way to the toi­let. He could feel their eyes on him and his skin grew hot, the way it did in fac­ul­ty meet­ings when the Prin­ci­pal made a joke at his expense.

George need­ed to go, but would not be able to do so with those men hulk­ing out­side. He flushed so they would not guess his prob­lem, then splashed his face and dried it with a paper tow­el. He used the mir­ror to adjust his pos­ture. This was some­thing Lau­ren had taught him. The appear­ance of con­fi­dence, of belong­ing, could get a per­son through.

In the store, George grabbed a Dr. Pep­per and a Her­shey Bar. He placed the items onto the counter, asked if the cashier could point him toward the near­est hotel. The cashier lift­ed a pen from a cof­fee mug and poked at the can­dy bar as if it were maggot-ridden.

A hotel, huh?” the cashier asked.

Lau­ren had sound­ed like this man when she was angry, or after too many glass­es of wine. She had maybe known this man, had entire twangy con­ver­sa­tions with him.

Been dri­ving all day,” George said. “Could use twen­ty winks.” He cringed at his own attempt at folksi­ness. At least the men from before had left. At least there was just this one man to wit­ness his embarrassment.

The cashier tapped the pen against the Her­shey Bar. “Sweet tooth?” he asked.

George pat­ted his stom­ach and laughed a lit­tle. “Unfor­tu­nate­ly,” he said, but he could tell the cashier did not buy his attempt at casu­al self-def­er­ence. George opened his wal­let to pay, hoped this might speed the exchange along.

I bet you do,” said the man, and he plucked the wal­let and raised it into the air. “I just bet George here likes ‘em real sweet,” he said, and George turned to find the men from ear­li­er gath­ered into a tight semi-cir­cle behind him. George lift­ed his hands.

Take what­ev­er you want,” he said. “I’ll leave right now. I won’t even call the cops.”

One of the men stepped for­ward and crowd­ed George until his back was pressed against the counter.

That what you do?” he asked. “Take what­ev­er you want?” He turned back to his friends, ges­tured to George with a half-cir­cle of his arm. “I think our friend here thinks he can take what­ev­er he wants,” he said, then he grabbed George’s shoul­ders and twist­ed him to the ground and stomped a work boot onto George’s chest.

Where is she?” he asked. George grasped at the man’s boot, but could not budge it. His legs flailed on the tile floor. “WHERE IS SHE?” the man repeat­ed and stood hard­er on George’s chest.

Can’t do this here,” some­one said.

Fine,” said the man stand­ing on George. “Let’s go.” Then George knew only the swirled rub­ber tread of the man’s work boot before it smashed into his skull.

 

George thought that he was blind, that the blow from the man’s boot had sev­ered his ocu­lar nerves. This hap­pened to a Cowboy’s run­ning back, and he’d put togeth­er a les­son for his Biol­o­gy class, had hoped to steer a few minds away from the sport of foot­ball with its head injuries and man­ic depres­sions and hair-trig­ger rage. Back when he was a teacher and thought he always would be. Before he ever had designs on an admin­is­tra­tive pay­check. Before he met Lauren.

As his eyes adjust­ed, George real­ized the dark was night, and he won­dered if it was the same night or anoth­er one, since he had no idea how long he’d been uncon­scious. His fin­ger­tips tin­gled. He tried to move and found his wrists zip-tied, his ankles the same. The plas­tic cut into his flesh. He tried to stand, but could only bring him­self to his knees.

Hel­lo?” he asked. He said the word a few more times, then changed the word to ‘help,’ which he yelled as best he could through his throb­bing head until he real­ized that if they had not gagged him, there was no one to hear.

And no one to look for him. Not until next week. And even then, the School Board would be con­tact­ed before the police.

George called out again, though this time he did so to gauge the size of the room, the mate­ri­als around him. It seemed he was in a house, though there was also a dank, rot­ting smell that remind­ed him of being in the woods with his father, one of the dozen times George had let a buck sniff through a clear­ing unharmed. There was some­thing acrid in the air as well, strong enough to burn his nose through the clot­ted blood.

George fid­dled with the zip ties, but knew it was point­less. About once a year an old­er male stu­dent would steal the custodian’s zip ties and lash a younger male stu­dent to the bleach­ers, or the flag pole, or the girls’ lock­er room door. It would take a sharp knife to free him.

Maybe there was some­thing near­by. Some piece of bro­ken met­al or glass. George low­ered his elbows to the floor, began a slow, awk­ward crawl in search of any­thing that might cut through the thick plastic.

 

When light began to rise, his knees and elbows were bloody, though he had not trav­elled far. He had been right about the place. It was a house, or had been one some­time before. Cab­i­nets were warped and split. Parts of the floor were sunken. Piles of rat shit stood inch­es deep near old couch­es. A place no one came to or went from. The kind of place a body might rot away in for years before a gold­en retriev­er laid a femur on the porch steps of a near­by home.

A truck engine approached. George tried to com­pose him­self. He attend­ed sem­i­nars every year on con­flict man­age­ment and group aggres­sion, spent weeks after­ward read­ing stud­ies and look­ing at videos on the internet.

The only peo­ple inter­est­ed in study­ing vio­lence are the ones who’ve nev­er lived it,” Lau­ren would say when he would try to dis­cuss some fas­ci­nat­ing new the­o­ry or exper­i­ment, then she would take her glass of wine and her Ambi­en and leave him to it.

Dis­in­hi­bi­tion. This was the biggest hur­dle. These men had lost their indi­vid­u­al­i­ty, their self-aware­ness, their self-eval­u­a­tion appre­hen­sion. But there was always one group mem­ber who had not yet suc­cumbed. There was always a Doubter.

Of course, The Doubter would be dif­fi­cult to spot. Once a dynam­ic formed, the speech and appear­ance, even the phys­i­cal ges­tures of the group mem­bers mir­rored each oth­er. George would need to observe their actions close­ly, employ the process of elimination.

The eas­i­est per­son to name would be the Leader. They were the first to act, to speak, and the oth­ers fol­lowed in kind. They led because they held an unwa­ver­ing belief in the group’s actions. George had always under­stood the pos­si­bil­i­ty of fail­ure. This is why he would always be the Assis­tant Prin­ci­pal. And why part of him under­stood what Lau­ren had done. Was he angry? The anger he felt would not cease or sim­mer. But did he under­stand? Yes. Some part of it, at least, he understood.

Truck doors shut and boots clomped toward him. George sat-up as straight as pos­si­ble and faced the men as they entered. The men walked toward George in uni­son and formed the famil­iar semi-cir­cle around him. One held a bra. One held his phone. One held a short piece of rebar. They began to speak.

How many, George?”

How long?”

Fuck­ing sicko.”

Fuck­ing perve.”

Five phone num­bers? Not even a Mom or Dad?”

George did not speak. What could he have said? ‘I stopped call­ing the friends who stopped answer­ing. I stopped answer­ing the ones who called. My father died years ago. My moth­er of grief. Demen­tia, they said. Genet­ic. Noth­ing to do with football.

The men wait­ed in silence for a few moments, then Rebar Man lift­ed his weapon. George closed his eyes.

When the blow did not come, George saw that Bra Man held Rebar Man’s arm. There was a small strug­gle, but Rebar Man low­ered the weapon. Bra Man pat­ted Rebar Man’s shoul­der, then moved past him to squat in front of George. This man. This man was The Doubter. George made eye-con­tact, did his best to be as human as possible.

Look,” said The Doubter. “We just want to know if she’s okay. Can you tell us that? Can you tell us if she’s okay?”

George knew the man did not speak of Lau­ren or Annabelle, but his words were the same as those of the police offi­cers who had yelled cof­fee breath into his face while wav­ing pho­tographs of his wife and daugh­ter. One pho­to in par­tic­u­lar. Christ­mas. Lau­ren in a soft, gold dress. Her hair sleek and loose around her shoul­ders. Annabelle in dark green vel­vet. A gold bow around her chub­by waist. They smiled. At the cam­era. At him through the cam­era. George moaned.

It was an ani­mal sound. It was a mistake.

What’s that?” asked The Doubter. He leaned toward George.

George cleared his head of Christ­mas and smiles. He took a breath. “I don’t know what you’re talk­ing about,” he said. He made his voice steady. I am a human, this voice insist­ed. I use lan­guage. I’m a man. A man just like you.

The men behind The Doubter grum­bled and shuf­fled. The Doubter glanced over his shoul­der, then turned back to George and placed his hands on George’s shoul­ders the way George had seen fathers embrace their sons on the first day of a new school.

Look, George. We just want our girl back. We just want Chris­tine. Just tell us where Chris­tine is and we’ll give you a three day start out­ta here. Three days and you could be in Mexico.”

George won­dered if Chris­tine was his daugh­ter, or Rebar’s daugh­ter, or if she belonged to one of the men who had not spo­ken. Was she a lit­tle girl? A teenag­er? A tod­dler? George opened his mouth. The Doubter leaned closer.

I. Don’t know. What. You’re talk­ing about,” he said. He thought the rep­e­ti­tion of these words would make them strong, would let The Doubter hear their integri­ty, but The Doubter’s eyes dark­ened and he stepped back and nod­ded at Rebar Man. George knew too late that Bra Man was the Leader. Rebar, with his impulse to rage, could nev­er lead a group of men. Rebar swung his arm. George did not pass-out this time, though he wished many times that he could.

 

When the men fin­ished, they left the room. As the pain loos­ened its hold on his brain, George assem­bled the sto­ry thus far.

There was a girl, Chris­tine, and she was miss­ing, and these men were look­ing for her, had been look­ing for her last night, had gath­ered at the gas sta­tion to form a plan when in walked a stranger, a stranger with bras cov­er­ing the back­seat of his car.

The men were just out­side the door. George could hear their voic­es and the occa­sion­al cough and spit. A phone rang. Some­one spoke. George could not hear the exchange, but there was noth­ing in the man’s voice to sug­gest that any­thing had changed. The girl was still miss­ing. George was still to blame.

He con­sid­ered going along with it, pre­tend­ing to be the one who could show them Chris­tine. This would buy him time, would get him out of the house. But what then? And what if she was found beat­en? Or dead?

He could try to escape. But even if he man­aged to free his hands and feet, he would not sur­vive more than a day on his own. These were men who could track a wound­ed animal.

He could not bluff and he could not run, which meant he would have to rea­son. He had cho­sen the wrong man, made the wrong man The Doubter. But one of them deserved this title. One would lis­ten long enough to stay the hands of his friends. George propped him­self against the rough pine wall. He would begin with why he had come here. This would link them, make him part of their group, define him as an insider.

Lau­ren and Annabelle Sloan,’ he would say. There would be a pause, and George would say the names again. ‘Lau­ren and Annabelle Sloan. My wife. My daughter.’

This should be enough. The sto­ry had made nation­al news. Lauren’s name was now a con­gres­sion­al bill. And once George could see that the men rec­og­nized these names, he would tell them that the woman on TV was one of their own, a holler girl who moved to the city and carved her nose and flat­tened her accent and snared her­self a man she thought was on his way up in the world because he was the son of a famous foot­ball play­er and she thought that meant mate­r­i­al com­fort enough to cush­ion the vio­la­tions of her first nine­teen years.

You must have known her,’ he would say. ‘A town like this. A father like that.’

Maybe if he began his sto­ry at that point, maybe this would help them see that he was not the evil stranger they thought him to be, or at least con­vince them he deserved a chance to explain.

And George would explain, if they would let him. He would explain that the only way to get his daugh­ter into the car for day­care was to let her fon­dle a bra on the dri­ve, that the doc­tors said she had done this while nurs­ing, that it was an attach­ment thing, and that she would grow out of it, and that there was no harm in indulging her for a lit­tle while. They had used Lauren’s bras in the begin­ning, but it got to the point that they bought the cheap­est ones they could find, and all those bras just accu­mu­lat­ed back there, because they didn’t have any oth­er pur­pose, and even­tu­al­ly, no one even noticed them. To their fam­i­ly, this was where the bras belonged.

And then George would tell them what he had not told any­one, because there was no one to tell. He would tell them that he had thrown away make-up and hair gel and soaps and sham­poos and baby food. Had donat­ed coats and shoes and most of the fur­ni­ture. Had packed away pho­to albums and books. But every time he took a trash bag to the car and lift­ed one of those bras from the back­seat, he wound-up on his knees in the driveway.

I stopped try­ing after awhile,’ George would say. ‘After awhile, a per­son stops trying.’

There would be silence, then Rebar Man would pull a large knife from his belt and slice through the zip ties on George’s wrists. The men would apol­o­gize. George would tell them that there were no hard feelings.

Were my own daugh­ter alive,’ he would say, ‘I’d want men just like you look­ing out for her.’

Lau­ren Sloan,” George said aloud through his bust­ed lips and swollen jaw. “Annabelle Sloan. My wife. My daugh­ter.” Yes, thought George. These would be the words that would free him.

But the men did not enter the room. A woman appeared. A woman wear­ing a sweater over a long cot­ton dress. Her hair was loose and a breeze blew it wild around her head as she paused in the door­way. George smelled some­thing sweet as she approached. Not strong enough to be per­fume. Soap maybe. Or deter­gent. It seemed she could not belong to the men who had put him here.

The woman knelt before him. George winced when she lift­ed her hands and the woman made a shush­ing noise before lay­ing her palms against his bro­ken face.

George? It’s George, isn’t it?” she asked.

George nod­ded. The woman began to stroke George’s brow and cheeks; she made tsk­ing nois­es over his injuries.

It’s okay,” she said. “It’s going to be okay. Just help me, George. Please. Please help me.”

George had said these same words to his neigh­bors, to the cops. This woman. Chris­tine was this woman’s girl. George knew the scratched-out, jan­g­ly nerves, the sense that noth­ing in the world was sol­id, of falling and nev­er touch­ing bot­tom. They were alike, she and him. There was no one who under­stood this woman bet­ter in that moment than he did.

Which is how George knew she would lis­ten. She might make him repeat the sto­ry sev­er­al times, might look for cracks in the cause and effect, but she would lis­ten, and she would know it was the truth. There was no way to shake his sto­ry apart. George had tried. God, how he had tried.

And so George told the woman about Lau­ren and Annabelle and what had hap­pened and why he had come here. When he fin­ished, there were tears in her eyes and she stroked his hair.

No won­der,” said the woman. “It’s no won­der at all.” George began to cry then, and the woman sang non­sense words in her rough, low voice. When George qui­et­ed, the woman lift­ed his face.

Bet­ter now?” she asked.

George nod­ded.

Good,” she said and placed her thumbs on either side of his bro­ken nose. “You under­stand, George. Your Annabelle. My Chris­tine. It’s a hard thing, but it’s true. When it comes to your child, you’ll do any­thing, sac­ri­fice who­ev­er.” George nod­ded. Had it meant sav­ing his daugh­ter, he would have placed every kid at Lake Dal­las Mid­dle School on a bus and set them on the bot­tom of that lake.

So, George? George, I am tru­ly sor­ry about Lau­ren and Annabelle. And I under­stand, trust me I under­stand how some­thing like this can boil-up a part of your­self you thought gone for­ev­er, a part you thought Jesus had washed away years ago.” She pressed her thumbs hard against the frac­tured bones of George’s face. George gasped.

Where’s my Chris­tine?” she asked.

Lau­ren Sloan,” George stam­mered. “Annabelle Sloan.” But the pres­sure on his nose did not relent.

Chris­tine, George. I need you to tell me about Chris­tine.” George writhed, but could not break her grip.

Lau­ren Sloan,” George said loud­er. “Annabelle Sloan.” The woman pressed harder.

Come on, George,” she said. “Come on, now.”

And then some­how, with­out think­ing the words, George said, “I’m sorry.”

The woman lift­ed her thumbs and asked him to repeat what he had said.

George fell to his side pant­i­ng. Again, he tried to speak their names, but again the words that emerged were, “I’m sorry.”

The woman stood. George tried to call-out to her, but could only repeat ‘I’m sor­ry’ over and over again.

The woman backed away from him. George reached for her, want­ed to ball her hair into his fists, jam it into his mouth, dam those words.

George watched the woman lift the rebar near the door. Her eyes. He knew the pan­ic there, the dis­be­lief, the rage.

I’m sor­ry,” he said.

The woman gave a wild, ter­ri­fied scream and began to beat him. George drew his arms as best he could over his head. A blow snapped his rib. The rib pierced his lung. Had George found the words to save him—the note Lau­ren left, his father’s name, the col­or of a two year old child ten hours sub­merged in lake water—had George found these words, he would not have had the air to speak them.

balesAman­da Bales received her MFA from the Uni­ver­si­ty of Alas­ka, Fair­banks. Her work has appeared in The Nashville Review, Paint­ed Bride Quar­ter­ly, South­ern Human­i­ties Review, and else­where. She lives in cen­tral Missouri.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Five Poems by Christopher Prewitt

A Farmer’s Son

 

I am a farmer’s son

Every­one thinks

My heart’s in recession

Because most things I eat

I first have to raise

But it is not

Fun even to shoe a horse

I have thoughts

Despite the benefits

That a nail in a hoof is

A nail in the arm on the crucifix

A red sun over blue hills

Doesn’t mean bad weather

In the evening

I think of walk­ing into town

And using the rag of my face

To keep the red high heels

Of beau­ti­ful women dry

As they step from the sidewalk

To cross the street to their rich

Adul­ter­ous lovers in shiny red cars

With dark-tint­ed windows.

 

 

Gospel of a Farmer’s Son

 

For a moment I was ready

to die in the inten­sive care unit

of a hay roll. This was the summer

 

I’d sit in the evenings

and watch the Hat­fields cross into

the Pike Coun­ty, Ken­tucky of the dead.

 

They could only choose between that

or Min­go Coun­ty, West Virginia,

but where was the hon­or in living

 

if oth­er fam­i­lies could die better?

I don’t know what to tell you.

One day it was winter,

 

a car­di­nal burst through a mound

of snow in my eye,

and I knew the punks kick­ing in

 

my ribs were only sparrows

caught scared in an all-night hailstorm.

Now that I’m hap­py I don’t mind

 

that the blood I coughed was mine.

That the way I lived makes me

grieve is at the heart of every gospel

 

tes­ti­mo­ny is why I’m here

in my cadaver’s skin of blue pigment

like anti-freeze, say­ing Amen.

 

 

The Gold­en Age of a Farmer’s Son

 

I was seven-years-old.

Do you know what

you can do with that sort of time?

 

Here’s what my dad did that June:

 

he held my hand,

I was lean­ing too hard on the rails

of the wood­en scaf­fold walkway

above the stalls in the stockyard.

 

Cat­tle were being unloaded,

a man hit them on the skull

with a long, red staff

if they hes­i­tat­ed to move forward

to receive their orange tag.

 

I was laugh­ing way too hard.

 

The goats below us were numerous,

over­crowd­ed like teeth

I couldn’t afford braces to fix.

 

One goat was try­ing like hell

to mount another

amongst dozens of others.

 

Even now when I think of love

I think of those goats.

How sense­less it is

 

to try to get away.

 

 

 

The Dark Mane and a Farmer’s Son

Two thoughts come to me

look­ing at my father

in his cas­ket: how

 

eas­i­ly bucked a faith­ful man

is from his religion,

and if this was the age

 

that I would nev­er be.

I thought for years

that a choco­late mare

 

would car­ry in its mane

my death even before my name

was known to me.

 

I knew not to be deceived

by brown, long, slen­der legs

and a lift­ed anus,

 

for there is nothing

in a legion of flies buzzing

around the ears to suggest

 

any­thing but impend­ing death.

Yet my father loved them

even as he whipped them

 

 

 

for jerk­ing as he hammered

fash­ion for their own good,

and every clink, curse, and smack

 

made me quiver, sit­ting in the truck

he left run­ning in winter

while I wait­ed for the bus.

 

Father, I won­dered, how far

can a man go mock­ing his mortality?

I sus­pect he would say—

 

if not for the tetanus of his rage,

as he caught me quivering

on the sad­dle at a young age—

 

death comes to everyone

who leans against the wire fence

post soon enough.

 

Chris Prewitt's writ­ing has been nom­i­nat­ed for the Best of the Net anthol­o­gy and the Push­cart Prize. His writ­ing has appeared in or is forth­com­ing in the New­erY­ork, Four Way Review, Rat­tle, The Iowa Review, Ghost Ocean Mag­a­zine, and Vinyl, among many others.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment